This is the true storee,
Of a lad, not so wee,
Hell, he was twenty three,
On an afternoon, twas lazee,
Something wondrous did he see,
A channel called India Tee Vee,
A news channel it claimed to bee,
But not so easily fooled was hee,
Firstly he saw a man as bald as can bee,
Some called Rajat Sharma jee,
On a program called Adalat aap kee,
With an eclectic varietee,
Of what they called celebritee,
But you gotta be kidding mee,
What kinda celeb is Mr. Emraan Hashmee??
But you must forgive hee,
For he did not watch many a moviee,
But nevertheless, so hooked was hee,
From that afternoon on a Tuesdee,
That after a day not quite stress free,
All he could do is rub his hands with glee,
And get his daily dose of India Tee Vee,
One day he saw a particular Arjun jee,
Who called himself an ACPee,
And reported on the latest crime spree,
But it was hard to take him seriouslee,
Reporting on crimes most grislee,
With a cap and lathee,
He laughed most painfullee,
At this journalistic mockeree,
On national Tee Vee,
But then it was time too see,
The special report at 8 thirtee,
It was not a report on the crashing BSEee,
Or the Nuclear deal called 1-2-three,
But rather about a family in Delhee,
With a secret rather ghostlee,
The chota beta or was it bet-ee?
Who was possessed by an entitee,
And going by the video-photographee,
The spirit was not so friendlee,
But one thing it was surelee,
Was absolutely 100% funnee,
But was the best was yet to come, you see,
Coz special report was only the entree,
As the 9' o clock news was readee,
With a grave faced anchor ladee,
And breaking news exclusivelee
To be shown only on India Tee Vee,
And what be the breaking news ask thee?
No, not the latest from a certain Chidambram, P
Rather, the "touching" love storee,
Between tigers, not two, but three,
So dumbfounded was hee,
That he had to slap himself sillee,
Before he could believe this ludicrousee,
A tiger love triangle did he see??
Not in a movie but on a news channel called India Tee Vee??
But then the laughter set in, you see,
He laughed til it was way past three,
Then thanked God for this stupiditee,
For it was the only relief provided by He,
From his tedious life that kept him otherwise busee,
And from that day on does hee,
Pray daily for the long life of Mr. Rajat jee,
And his beloved India Tee Vee,

At this point, a confession I must give thee,
Coz I believe in total honestee,
The story above has been about mee,
Mee, mee, yes, mee!!
I must admit rather proudlee,
I am the biggest fan of India Tee Vee,
and its number one entertainee!
So death to those who hate dearest Mr. Rajat jee,
and call him a stupid old baldee!!

Now, I run the risk of sounding like an old man with no hair on my scalp and no teeth in my mouth who reminisces about the good old days but seriously.... Remember the good old days when TV was something we all looked forward to at the end of the day? And not something to turn on because we have nothing else to do. And even not so long ago I remember MTV. A channel that lived upto its name. Music Television. Its all about the Music baby! From Shehnaz Treasurywallah's saccharine draped MTV Most Wanted to Nikhil Chinappa's spunky MTV Select, it was always about the Music.

Shehnaz is long gone, and I must say I don't miss her, but that’s not the point. Nikhil is still there but a 35 year old VJ trying to act 25 is just plain sad. But what I miss is the music. It has been replaced by what can only politely be called from the infertile and impotent imaginations of retards who could be outsmarted by apes.

Point in case, MTV Roadies. The flagship show for the channel. A show about the spirit of adventure out on the open road. What it is is a show about 20 somethings with cumulative IQ scores of 20 something bitching, back stabbing and playing "politics" to win the grand prize of 5 lakh and a bike. The so called adventurous tasks are so timid that my daily morning trip to the john is more death defying in comparison! But then Roadies is really an award winning master piece in comparison to what they got lined up after Roadies got over.

MTV Shitsvilla!.. No wait... Splitsvilla! Whats that you say? Who cares? It involves 20 babes in hot pants and spaghetti tops most of the time and 20 babes in beach wear for the rest! Basically, these 20 girds have to fight, bitch and backstab for another grand prize. This times its two "hunky" guys who they get to date at the end of the show. And you thought true love only existed in Mills & Boon! So how does 20 women foregoing self respect and everything that women's rights activists have fought for in the last century make for good television you say? I dunno... but it just does.

Another example, MTV On the Job. The other day I caught an episode where 3 girls had to compete to become air hostesses! Talk about career goals! These women were taught the fundamentals of air hostessing in a day which apparently involves how to apply make up and .... hmmm.... thats it! So naturally, they had a challenge where they had to apply their make up and get ready in 10 minutes and then proceed towards handling a mock flight. During the flight the girls snatched a mock passenger's cellphone, did the mock safety demo all wrong, forgot to give a mock pregnant lady adequate protection for her mock baby during a mock emergency landing and left behind a mock kid during a mock evacuation. Despite making a mockery of everything an airline does during a flight, one of the girls won! She was so overwhelmed by the mockery she made of herself on Mockery Television (MTV!) that she was crying and deluded herself into thinking that had this been a non- mock flight she would have been able to save non-mock lives! Absolutely brilliant, I must say!

And this was just a tip of the iceberg. MTV isn't music anymore. Hell it isn't even TV anymore. So who should I blame for the immense mental agony being meted out to us through MTV? I could blame that bald headed goon called Raghu who's aforementioned creations, quite frankly, terrify me more than Dr.Frankenstein's. Or maybe I should just do what all the elders do and point my fingers at today's youth who demand to be entertained in this fashion. But in truth I only have myself to blame. For only I am to blame when I actually sit and watch MTV. For only I am to blame when I watch these shows because of the guilty pleasure I get from watching people making a fool of themselves on national TV. For only I am to blame for wasting 735 words of blog space when I could have read some else's blogaristic magnum opus instead of publishing my own blogaridical drivel.

Let me tell you about a little disease I've been suffering from lately. Began end of Jan and has been raging ever since. The root cause may be the internet upgrade I bought last month. Or maybe I just got tired of watching Top Gear over and over again ( heaven knows I thought that would be impossible). Its well over a month now and this mania shows no signs of ceasing or at least slowing down. Now, you might expect me at this point to say I've been bitten by the cyber love bug or that I'm suffering from pornographitis or that Counter Strike's disease has hit me but I'm afraid I'm suffering from the more common movie mania. And thanks to a 256 kbps internet connection and the scourge of internet piracy, BitTorrent, this affliction of mine has always found the fuel to keep it going. In the last month I watched 60 movies!! Now, for true cinematic buffs 60 movies may not seem much but considering the fact that I work 5 days a week at a 9 to 5 job(at least on paper, the truth is a little different but shhh...!!) I would think its no mean feat.

IMDB is my new best friend. Popcorn is my grub. And uTorrent is my saviour. That is how life has become for me. My human friends are forgotten. The TV as an invention no longer exists. My Xbox lies wrapped in plastic and ignored like a middle child. And the world now exists only in anamorphic widescreen. I rush to get out of office and long to get home to my beloved PC and its plethora of DVD rips. A movie before dinner is a must to build up an appetite and a post meal cinema obviously aids digestion.

This plague has seeped into everything I say or do. I bore my friends talking about cinema verite or frustrate them when I try and explain the wonder of 2001: A space odyssey. Gaddaar must naturally follow when I see the name Johnny. Juno is the new Venus. Stanley Kubrick is the world's greatest mystery. People wonder why I Thank them For Smoking. Babies scare me out of sheer fear that they might be Rosemary's and my favourite dish is Bheja Fry served à la Hannibal Lecter.

Its been 30 days and I still can't stop. That is the wonder of cinema. Its art and its entertainment. It will amaze you, annoy you, shock you, captivate you, humour you, move you and sometimes make you wish it was you on that screen. Its surreal, unreal and real and I love it.

Yup... its that time of the year again. The day of days these days is around the corner. It's Feb 14th in a couple of days. The day many look forward to as it is a day they can spend coochy coing the one they love, or maybe get a nice swanky evening out and a expensive gift from the cutie they have been seeing, or maybe just get to lay the hottie whose conversation they've had to endure for all those days just to get her into bed. Then there are others who dread it because it just reminds them that they have no one to spend it with or may be all that excess red, mush and chocolates around every corner is enough to make them hurl. I, fortunately and/or unfortunately, belong to the second camp.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one those proponents that all relationships are destined to fail or that love is a waste of time. Neither am I part of the RSS or Shiv Sena who advocates that Valentine's day is a "western" evil. I , however, will agree.... it is an "evil". Its not religious, cultural or political.. it is just pure and simple commercial "evil" and it highlights the gullibility of people and the immense talents of those marketing guys sitting in the offices of every card maker, chocolate confectionery, florists, night club owner, music station, restaurant chain and.. well.. everybody else. I'm fairly sure that even makers of fertilizers, industrial strength steel and paint thinner somehow profit from the annual marketing phenomenon on Feb the 14th.

I remember when Valentine's day used to be an affair of just giving a simple card and may be a simple dinner out when I was in school. Now we have Microsoft urging girls to buy their boyfriends a Xbox. Canon urging lovers to gift each other SLR cameras. Five star hotels trying to convince you why spending half your monthly salary at their disc is the best way to spend the annual festival of love.

Is it really love when you have to convince your mate that you love them only if you give them something on Valentine's? Is it romance when your partner promises you sexual ecstasy only if you give the night out of their lives? Aren't there enough saturdays in a year to go out partying? Do you only have one day in the year to show someone you love them? What happened to the other 364 days in the year? What happened to giving gifts for no apparent reason? And if you are that desperate to get laid I'm sure in today's horny times hiring a call girl would be a more economical option. When will people realise that Feb 14th is no more the day to remember your loved ones. It is a well orchestrated and choreographed event managed by people in boardrooms and offices and the only love I can see is the love these businesses have for what's in your wallet.

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