Showing posts with label Just not worth it but posted it anyways. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just not worth it but posted it anyways. Show all posts

The Great Procrastinator

2 comments Posted by Pranoy at 10:21 PM

The other day I was watching a documentary, Inside North Korea, about life inside that country. It was truly fascinating and disturbing. One aspect that truly shocked me was the cult of personality created around the founder of the country and the father of Kim Jong-Il, Kim Il-Sung. Here was a country that is a virtual prison for everyone of its citizens and where basic liberties ,which we in the free world take for granted, are virtually unheard of. But instead of lambasting the man responsible for their miseries and those of some 24 million of their compatriots, the citizens of North Korea revere and worship him. I was disturbed to see hundreds of clearly impoverished and malnourshed people praying and worshipping the man they "fondly" call the "Great Leader". So, a man who leads millions into famines and condemns millions of others to prison camps leaves behind a legacy of the "Great Leader"!!! Made me wonder what would my legacy be?

Of all the things that I am good at and that I have accomplished in my life, I think I could leave behind a legacy of the "Great Procrastinator". Now, I know it does not have the same ring as the "Great Leader" but I have not led anyone to a prison camp. Neither have I ever even dreamt of attacking my neighbour let alone a neighbouring country. What I will leave behind, is a things-to-do list longer than than Rajpath, and a bed which will have my ass print left on it forever from all that lying around I'm so expertly good at. The "Great Procrastinor". Yes, that sounds about right.

So, why is it that I procrastinate? What compels me to let things be? What makes me resist getting off my arse and actually doing something? Is it in in my genes. Well my mom just walked past rushing to get to the kitchen to do get some cooking done before she gives the dog a bath on her day off!! My dad is out getting the carpenter to fix the door before he leaves for a lunch meeting on a Sunday, while I lie here on my bed, in roughly the same position as I was in when I was sleeping a couple of hours ago. So no, its not in my genes. Is that I can't mulitask? Is that I find just breathing in and out tasking enough so as to not have the will do anything else. That can't be it. I flip channels on the remote while eating a bag of chips just fine. So what is it then? To be frank, I couldn't be bothered to delve anymore.

But is it just me? Am I really all that great at the procrastinating I'm bragging about. Sure I pay last month's phone bill by next month's bill's due date. And sure I have taken my dog for a morning walk after my rather stale lunch at 9pm. But am I truly great? The babu in the government office processes my file only after I've forgotten that I had given such a file in the first place. Some of my colleagues have been working on assignments meant to be finished yesterday only since today. And my admit card for CAT 2007 only came along with my results for CAT 2008 for which I had started studying in 2009. So I thinks its fair to conclude, that I am merely average.

I feel that this "quality" which is inherent in some and imbibed by others is the reason that the human race is so "backward". Don't get me wrong, we have progressed a lot but just imagine what could be if instead of a few, everyone got off their lazy arses and did what could be done later today. The news of Christ being born would have been Twittered. The iPod woul have been invented in 1001 and not 2001. WWI and WWII could have been Star Wars I and Star Wars II and George Lucas would be out of ideas for a movie. I would have to merely think to get this blog published instead of having to physically move my lazy fingers. Just think about what could be if everyone could be very unlike me. I could ramble on but I realised something, I have something to do... nothing.

 

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Aaargghhh!!!!!

2 comments Posted by Pranoy at 1:47 AM

.... a single syllable expression of my frustration and exasperations towards the world around me and all those dim witted idiots who inhabit it. So in the spirit of the recent concluded Oscars here are my nominees in various categories for things/people who frustrate and annoy me the most in my life. The winners shall be awarded the prestigious Aargghhhscar trophy. 

Best Achievement in Frustration caused during Personal Computing
Nominees
Spammers - For sending me so much span related to "organ enlargement" that I have begun to have doubts regarding my adequacy. 
Spyware websites - For infecting my PC with software that happens to open porn websites precisely and only when my parents/siblings happen to be using my PC/Laptop.
Virus creators - For creating viruses that happen to infect every bit of important data on my hard drive and leave the aforementioned porn website running software unharmed.
Antivirus Sofware (the whole ****ing lot of 'em) - For creating software that is so heavy and useless that at the end of the day your PC is only good for two things - getting infected and running useless virus scans.
The Winner Is....
Microsoft - For creating an Operating System so vulnerable and prone to attacks by  hackers/viruses/spyware/software/hardware that it is akin to running towards a hungry lion naked and unarmed. 

Best Achievement in Frustration in Mobile/Fixed Line Telephony
Nominees
Callertunes - For forcing you to listen to someone else's penchant for Himesh Reshamiya even if you are calling to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 
Incompetent Telecom Providers - For creating cellphone networks such that no matter where you go, the network just does not follow (Remember the Hutch punch line?) but somehow telemarketeers do. But more on that below.
Cellphone manufacturers - For making you splurge on their lattest bling offering only to realise that by the time you get home after buying it that its not the "in-thing" anymore and now costs half as much as well.
And the winners are... and by a mile....
The Telemarketeers - For calling you when you are in a meeting (and forgot to put the phone on silent), on a romantic date, attending a call of nature or having dinner with the Prime Minister just to sell you the most pointless and useless product or service.

Best Achievement by a Fellow Commuter in an Annoying Role
Nominees
The Instant Honker - For honking the moment the lights turn green even if he is right at the back of a mile long pile at a junction and having faith in the ability of the cars in front to just fly away on green.
The Constant Honker - For honking as often as breathing and perhaps just as instinctively and creating an atmosphere conducive for hearing loss. 
The Biker - For squeezing a 2 feet wide vehicle through a 1 feet 11 inch gap and leaving scratches all along your car in the process.
The Trucker - For sitting so high up in his seat and unable to see the lesser commuters that he believes that if he can't see them then they must not be there and hence driving accordingly.
And the winner is....
The Lady Driver - For not actually being a lady but rather a man trying to impress his lady passenger by pretending to be Michael Schumacher in his puny Mrooti. 

Best Achievement by a Fellow Commuter in a Frustrating Role
Nominees
The Insensitive Parker - For parking his car in front of yours while leaving it in gear with the handbrake on and returning to collect his vehicle only after you, having unsuccessfully tried all means to move the aforementioned car, already on the way to your destination using public transport.
Lane Blocker - For believing that turning right is more important than turning left and hence blocking the free left lurn at an intersection when the lights are red. 
Biker on the footpath - For treating the pavement as his personal highway, leaving "mere" pedestrian no place to walk except perhaps on the roofs of cars.
And the Winner is...
The Blueline Driver - for not being frustrating but so downright scary on the road that you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, if you ever happen to dream of one on the road. 

Best Achievement in the Media in an Annoying Role
Nominees
Useless News Channels - For bringing us exclusives of Rakhi Sawant blow drying her armpit hair and sewer rats fornicating as prime time news.
Inane Reality Shows - For making entertainment out of live feeds of wannabes sitting, standing, sleeping, talking, bitching, breathing, fighting, cooking,singing, jumping, eating, dancing and just about doing anything.
Excessive Sponsorship in the media - For showing more ads than films, serials, shows and matches combined and thus creating a generation where people may not know the national anthem but will McDonald's latest jingle.
And the winners are...
B-Grade Celebrities - For being famous for being infamous and proving every proponent of hardwork, honesty, decency, modesty blatantly wrong and creating an age where a Rahul Mahajan gets more airtime than a Rahul Gandhi.

Best Achievement in Frustration by Various Public Utility Companies
Nominees
Water Boards - For supplying water to our houses only on full moon nights and some other special occassions.
Sewer Company - For being the source of water for the aforementioned water boards.
Road Works - For digging up our existing roads to create new and better ones but never getting round to building them. 
The Winner is...
The Power Company - For creating all the electricity and supplying it to Timbuctoo probably and perhaps the slums that steal some of it along the way but none to me. 

Best Achievement in Frustration by Public Transport 
Nominees
Railways - For getting you to your destination so late that the trip is made pointless.
Airlines - Same as above. 
Shared Rickshaws/Cabs - For making you plant you 32 inch rear end into 3.2 inches of space and making a can of sardines seem like luxurious accomodation in comparison. 
Buses - For not stopping at bus stops and making you run after them so long that you might as well run all the way to your destination.
And the winners are...
Budget Airlines - For being quite out of your budget after you are done paying for taxes, congestion charge, fuel surcharge, excess baggage etc and then charging you for "frills" such as food, water, air and even the air hostess's smile.

Best Achievement in Frustration by Other Means
Nominees
Queue Jumpers - For believing that queues are only for idiots and building my stamina for standing at one place for hours on end over the years.
Residents of the floors above you - For practicing Bharatnatyam or chucking dumbells on the floor only when you are sleeping and for treating your balcony as their personal landfill.
Residents of the house in front - For bumping into you only when you are returning home drunk and then telling all your neighbours what a sad and worthless alcoholic you are.
And the winner is....
Your Boss - For always being the initial inspiration for a blog such as this!!

And that was Blog No. 3.

 

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An Ode to India TV

8 comments Posted by Pranoy at 7:53 AM


This is the true storee,
Of a lad, not so wee,
Hell, he was twenty three,
On an afternoon, twas lazee,
Something wondrous did he see,
A channel called India Tee Vee,
A news channel it claimed to bee,
But not so easily fooled was hee,
Firstly he saw a man as bald as can bee,
Some called Rajat Sharma jee,
On a program called Adalat aap kee,
With an eclectic varietee,
Of what they called celebritee,
But you gotta be kidding mee,
What kinda celeb is Mr. Emraan Hashmee??
But you must forgive hee,
For he did not watch many a moviee,
But nevertheless, so hooked was hee,
From that afternoon on a Tuesdee,
That after a day not quite stress free,
All he could do is rub his hands with glee,
And get his daily dose of India Tee Vee,
One day he saw a particular Arjun jee,
Who called himself an ACPee,
And reported on the latest crime spree,
But it was hard to take him seriouslee,
Reporting on crimes most grislee,
With a cap and lathee,
He laughed most painfullee,
At this journalistic mockeree,
On national Tee Vee,
But then it was time too see,
The special report at 8 thirtee,
It was not a report on the crashing BSEee,
Or the Nuclear deal called 1-2-three,
But rather about a family in Delhee,
With a secret rather ghostlee,
The chota beta or was it bet-ee?
Who was possessed by an entitee,
And going by the video-photographee,
The spirit was not so friendlee,
But one thing it was surelee,
Was absolutely 100% funnee,
But was the best was yet to come, you see,
Coz special report was only the entree,
As the 9' o clock news was readee,
With a grave faced anchor ladee,
And breaking news exclusivelee
To be shown only on India Tee Vee,
And what be the breaking news ask thee?
No, not the latest from a certain Chidambram, P
Rather, the "touching" love storee,
Between tigers, not two, but three,
So dumbfounded was hee,
That he had to slap himself sillee,
Before he could believe this ludicrousee,
A tiger love triangle did he see??
Not in a movie but on a news channel called India Tee Vee??
But then the laughter set in, you see,
He laughed til it was way past three,
Then thanked God for this stupiditee,
For it was the only relief provided by He,
From his tedious life that kept him otherwise busee,
And from that day on does hee,
Pray daily for the long life of Mr. Rajat jee,
And his beloved India Tee Vee,

At this point, a confession I must give thee,
Coz I believe in total honestee,
The story above has been about mee,
Mee, mee, yes, mee!!
I must admit rather proudlee,
I am the biggest fan of India Tee Vee,
and its number one entertainee!
So death to those who hate dearest Mr. Rajat jee,
and call him a stupid old baldee!!

 

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My own personal banana republic

1 comments Posted by Pranoy at 3:04 AM


I'm quite tired of living a life of a conformist. I'm bored with abiding the law. I get no thrills by sticking to the speed limit of 60 (or is it 50 I don't really know). There are so many people I'd like to shoot with a bullet shot straight into their heart but I can't. Section 302 of the Indian Penal Code stops me from doing that. I'd like to run through Parliament when its in session yelling abuses at the top of my lungs. I'm afraid I'd be shot dead long before I even got to the gate. I have fantasies about hurling Molotov cocktails into the studios of what we shamefully call "news channels". But I don't really like going to jail for it. I'd like to jump into one of those new Sukhois and take it for a joy ride. Unfortunately I don't even know where the Air Force keeps them. It's high time I stopped being a citizen of a country run by others and got myself a country run by me with others as citizens. I want my own personal banana republic!!

A Banana republic is a pejorative term for a small, often Latin American, Caribbean or African country that is politically unstable, dependent on limited agriculture, and ruled by a small, self-elected, wealthy and corrupt clique. Now, I don't want any small or wealthy clique. It should be just me and my subjects and of course my army. After all, what is a banana republic without an all powerful army. Now I don't want something very large. A small island in the Pacific would suffice for my Utopic banana republic. I'll be prudent and even call it Utopia. How cool is that??

Now what kind of nation shall be Utopia? A land of unlimited fun and freedom of course. Speed limits? Of course. It will be the largest number on the speedometer of your car. You hate your local politicians? Well that is just not possible because I would be the supreme power and you can't kill your only authority figure can you? Got a bone to pick with some one? There are no courts of judges in Utopia. You just fight it out Fight Club style. No more messy court cases and no more time wasted. And they call America the land of freedoms!! HUH!!

What about me? Well I would of course have no less than 50 mansions all sea side of course. My own personal gold plated Sukhoi for me to take out on a joyride. A yatch no smaller than the Titanic shall befit me. Of course, I can't have fewer cars than the Sultan of Brunei so I guess its 1001 of the worlds fastest and most exquisite automobiles for me. Ahh.. what a life!! My most prized possession would be a gold plated AK-47 which obviously only fires golden bullets. After all, it should be an honour getting shot by a demi-god such as me. I shall name every second street after me and declare my birthday a national holiday. The national food shall be banana splits of course (some pun intended).

Aah.. If only I could.....

PS:- Its late and its the two cans of beer that led me to the above four paragraphs of incoherent ramblings. Maybe next time I'll have something more sensible to rant about.

 

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