Bhaina's Story

I must be the world's laziest blogger. Its almost been a year and the only thing I could come up with is story that I was asked to come up with in an hour and a half for my college's committee interview. This was the product of that drowsy early morning:

Here is a story to be told,
One that I cannot withhold,
Although not much I may be,
Am just a mess bhaina you see,
It was that time of the year,
When fresh ones walk in like lost deer,
With a strange look in their eyes,
After they bid Mom & Dad goodbyes,
They turn around and see,
Two years ahead at XIMBee,
I don’t know why they come here,
What this MBA is, is not so clear,
The mess is where I spend my day,
Working hard like animals that bray,
It is only when they come to eat,
The fresh ones do I get to meet,
Although they may not talk to me,
Their lives unfolding I can see,
This story is about one such fellow,
Who seemed to be rather mellow,
Alone he always came to feed,
Eating with not much greed,
After the passing of a few weeks,
Love blossoms & romance reeks,
The fresh ones pair up you see,
And the mess is full of a he and she,
But not so with our fellow,
Who seemed to be rather mellow,
Alone he still came to feed,
Eating with not much greed,
But a change in him I did spy,
A he and she had caught his eye,
A woeful glance he cast on the two,
Realizing it was too late now to woo,
Every meal it was the same story,
A forlorn look at his amoré,
But one day our poor fellow,
Who seemed to be rather mellow,
Walked up to the he and she,
And tried being as friendly as he could be,
But it didn’t go our fellow’s way,
He and she ignored him the next day,
Our fellow’s woe was clear to see,
But the mess is a lonely place as can be,
The lady had shattered his heart,
And the only one who knew handled a mess cart,
Then one day I saw him take out his phone,
And take a photo of the two on his own,
I think that was his way of being with she,
At least that was what was thought by me,
Then one day his phone he left behind,
But I picked it up, being of sound mind,
Just a mess bhaina I might be,
But curiosity got the better of me,
It may not be something that I own,
But I do know how to operate a phone,
I opened the pictures just to see,
How besotted he was with She,
But not a single image was of her,
Images of He were all that there were,
I realised where his heart now lay,
Our fellow was what they call “gay”,
I know I am not very smart,
I just handle a mess cart,
But such a shock it was to me,
To see a He in love with another he,
And that is why I say to thee,
This is a twisted love story.

The other day I was watching a documentary, Inside North Korea, about life inside that country. It was truly fascinating and disturbing. One aspect that truly shocked me was the cult of personality created around the founder of the country and the father of Kim Jong-Il, Kim Il-Sung. Here was a country that is a virtual prison for everyone of its citizens and where basic liberties ,which we in the free world take for granted, are virtually unheard of. But instead of lambasting the man responsible for their miseries and those of some 24 million of their compatriots, the citizens of North Korea revere and worship him. I was disturbed to see hundreds of clearly impoverished and malnourshed people praying and worshipping the man they "fondly" call the "Great Leader". So, a man who leads millions into famines and condemns millions of others to prison camps leaves behind a legacy of the "Great Leader"!!! Made me wonder what would my legacy be?

Of all the things that I am good at and that I have accomplished in my life, I think I could leave behind a legacy of the "Great Procrastinator". Now, I know it does not have the same ring as the "Great Leader" but I have not led anyone to a prison camp. Neither have I ever even dreamt of attacking my neighbour let alone a neighbouring country. What I will leave behind, is a things-to-do list longer than than Rajpath, and a bed which will have my ass print left on it forever from all that lying around I'm so expertly good at. The "Great Procrastinor". Yes, that sounds about right.

So, why is it that I procrastinate? What compels me to let things be? What makes me resist getting off my arse and actually doing something? Is it in in my genes. Well my mom just walked past rushing to get to the kitchen to do get some cooking done before she gives the dog a bath on her day off!! My dad is out getting the carpenter to fix the door before he leaves for a lunch meeting on a Sunday, while I lie here on my bed, in roughly the same position as I was in when I was sleeping a couple of hours ago. So no, its not in my genes. Is that I can't mulitask? Is that I find just breathing in and out tasking enough so as to not have the will do anything else. That can't be it. I flip channels on the remote while eating a bag of chips just fine. So what is it then? To be frank, I couldn't be bothered to delve anymore.

But is it just me? Am I really all that great at the procrastinating I'm bragging about. Sure I pay last month's phone bill by next month's bill's due date. And sure I have taken my dog for a morning walk after my rather stale lunch at 9pm. But am I truly great? The babu in the government office processes my file only after I've forgotten that I had given such a file in the first place. Some of my colleagues have been working on assignments meant to be finished yesterday only since today. And my admit card for CAT 2007 only came along with my results for CAT 2008 for which I had started studying in 2009. So I thinks its fair to conclude, that I am merely average.

I feel that this "quality" which is inherent in some and imbibed by others is the reason that the human race is so "backward". Don't get me wrong, we have progressed a lot but just imagine what could be if instead of a few, everyone got off their lazy arses and did what could be done later today. The news of Christ being born would have been Twittered. The iPod woul have been invented in 1001 and not 2001. WWI and WWII could have been Star Wars I and Star Wars II and George Lucas would be out of ideas for a movie. I would have to merely think to get this blog published instead of having to physically move my lazy fingers. Just think about what could be if everyone could be very unlike me. I could ramble on but I realised something, I have something to do... nothing.

Well, the big day is here. No, I'm not talking about the election results... well in a way I am ..... but rather my first political post. God knows I thought that would be improbable but here I am. Happy that the for the first time, the party that I voted, in my first ever election has returned to power. So congratulations Dr. Singh and Mrs. Gandhi. You have our faith for the next five years.

But more than a victory for the UPA, today is marked by the fact that common sense prevailed over senseless rhetoric and that results of the past are held higher than promises for the future. Everyone would have a reason for why he/she voted for the UPA. The poor farmers would probably have been grateful for the loan waivers. The rural poor would have been impressed by the NREGA. But for me personally it was the nuclear deal. It clearly showed that the UPA government had the foresight to work towards India's energy security rather than beef up our nuclear security deterrent and that it was willing to sacrifice itself for the country's future. And in India where an average politician would sell his soul to the devil to stay in power, a government willing to risk its survival just to see an international agreement go through is enough to warrant it sainthood.

The BJP must be banging its head on the wall trying to fathom the reason for their dismal performance. But is it really that hard to understand? Who wants a party which has a multiple prime minister theory, similar to Boka-naan's multiple captain theory. The KKR is ample proof that such theories don't work! Plus a campaign that only focusses on the negatives of the previous goverment rather than highlight a manifesto with a roadmap for the future is hardly a good way to garner votes. I used to be a BJP supporter. I used to admire Atal Behari Vajpayee and was massively dissappointed when the NDA lost in 2004. Today is a different story for the BJP. AB Vajpayee is gone and what he has left behind are a bunch of infighting, angry "young" (read old, very very old!) men who are not even sure of their Hindutva identity any more.

As for the Left, I must say I have a soft corner for Prakash Karat and his comrades. I don't agree with their idealogy and hated it when they threatened to topple to goverment over the nuclear deal. I think its really sad what they allowed to happen in Nandigram and Singur and perhaps thats why they are paying for their mistakes.

Well, those were my two bits on the topsy turvy results of the Lok Sabha Elections 09. So here's hoping Dr.Singh carries India further forward in the next five years than he did in the last five.


.... a single syllable expression of my frustration and exasperations towards the world around me and all those dim witted idiots who inhabit it. So in the spirit of the recent concluded Oscars here are my nominees in various categories for things/people who frustrate and annoy me the most in my life. The winners shall be awarded the prestigious Aargghhhscar trophy. 

Best Achievement in Frustration caused during Personal Computing
Spammers - For sending me so much span related to "organ enlargement" that I have begun to have doubts regarding my adequacy. 
Spyware websites - For infecting my PC with software that happens to open porn websites precisely and only when my parents/siblings happen to be using my PC/Laptop.
Virus creators - For creating viruses that happen to infect every bit of important data on my hard drive and leave the aforementioned porn website running software unharmed.
Antivirus Sofware (the whole ****ing lot of 'em) - For creating software that is so heavy and useless that at the end of the day your PC is only good for two things - getting infected and running useless virus scans.
The Winner Is....
Microsoft - For creating an Operating System so vulnerable and prone to attacks by  hackers/viruses/spyware/software/hardware that it is akin to running towards a hungry lion naked and unarmed. 

Best Achievement in Frustration in Mobile/Fixed Line Telephony
Callertunes - For forcing you to listen to someone else's penchant for Himesh Reshamiya even if you are calling to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 
Incompetent Telecom Providers - For creating cellphone networks such that no matter where you go, the network just does not follow (Remember the Hutch punch line?) but somehow telemarketeers do. But more on that below.
Cellphone manufacturers - For making you splurge on their lattest bling offering only to realise that by the time you get home after buying it that its not the "in-thing" anymore and now costs half as much as well.
And the winners are... and by a mile....
The Telemarketeers - For calling you when you are in a meeting (and forgot to put the phone on silent), on a romantic date, attending a call of nature or having dinner with the Prime Minister just to sell you the most pointless and useless product or service.

Best Achievement by a Fellow Commuter in an Annoying Role
The Instant Honker - For honking the moment the lights turn green even if he is right at the back of a mile long pile at a junction and having faith in the ability of the cars in front to just fly away on green.
The Constant Honker - For honking as often as breathing and perhaps just as instinctively and creating an atmosphere conducive for hearing loss. 
The Biker - For squeezing a 2 feet wide vehicle through a 1 feet 11 inch gap and leaving scratches all along your car in the process.
The Trucker - For sitting so high up in his seat and unable to see the lesser commuters that he believes that if he can't see them then they must not be there and hence driving accordingly.
And the winner is....
The Lady Driver - For not actually being a lady but rather a man trying to impress his lady passenger by pretending to be Michael Schumacher in his puny Mrooti. 

Best Achievement by a Fellow Commuter in a Frustrating Role
The Insensitive Parker - For parking his car in front of yours while leaving it in gear with the handbrake on and returning to collect his vehicle only after you, having unsuccessfully tried all means to move the aforementioned car, already on the way to your destination using public transport.
Lane Blocker - For believing that turning right is more important than turning left and hence blocking the free left lurn at an intersection when the lights are red. 
Biker on the footpath - For treating the pavement as his personal highway, leaving "mere" pedestrian no place to walk except perhaps on the roofs of cars.
And the Winner is...
The Blueline Driver - for not being frustrating but so downright scary on the road that you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, if you ever happen to dream of one on the road. 

Best Achievement in the Media in an Annoying Role
Useless News Channels - For bringing us exclusives of Rakhi Sawant blow drying her armpit hair and sewer rats fornicating as prime time news.
Inane Reality Shows - For making entertainment out of live feeds of wannabes sitting, standing, sleeping, talking, bitching, breathing, fighting, cooking,singing, jumping, eating, dancing and just about doing anything.
Excessive Sponsorship in the media - For showing more ads than films, serials, shows and matches combined and thus creating a generation where people may not know the national anthem but will McDonald's latest jingle.
And the winners are...
B-Grade Celebrities - For being famous for being infamous and proving every proponent of hardwork, honesty, decency, modesty blatantly wrong and creating an age where a Rahul Mahajan gets more airtime than a Rahul Gandhi.

Best Achievement in Frustration by Various Public Utility Companies
Water Boards - For supplying water to our houses only on full moon nights and some other special occassions.
Sewer Company - For being the source of water for the aforementioned water boards.
Road Works - For digging up our existing roads to create new and better ones but never getting round to building them. 
The Winner is...
The Power Company - For creating all the electricity and supplying it to Timbuctoo probably and perhaps the slums that steal some of it along the way but none to me. 

Best Achievement in Frustration by Public Transport 
Railways - For getting you to your destination so late that the trip is made pointless.
Airlines - Same as above. 
Shared Rickshaws/Cabs - For making you plant you 32 inch rear end into 3.2 inches of space and making a can of sardines seem like luxurious accomodation in comparison. 
Buses - For not stopping at bus stops and making you run after them so long that you might as well run all the way to your destination.
And the winners are...
Budget Airlines - For being quite out of your budget after you are done paying for taxes, congestion charge, fuel surcharge, excess baggage etc and then charging you for "frills" such as food, water, air and even the air hostess's smile.

Best Achievement in Frustration by Other Means
Queue Jumpers - For believing that queues are only for idiots and building my stamina for standing at one place for hours on end over the years.
Residents of the floors above you - For practicing Bharatnatyam or chucking dumbells on the floor only when you are sleeping and for treating your balcony as their personal landfill.
Residents of the house in front - For bumping into you only when you are returning home drunk and then telling all your neighbours what a sad and worthless alcoholic you are.
And the winner is....
Your Boss - For always being the initial inspiration for a blog such as this!!

And that was Blog No. 3.

To:  The Director & Scriptwriter for Chandni Chowk to China

Honorable Mr.Nikhil Advani & Mr.Sridhar Raghavan,

This is regarding the travesty that hit a cinema screen near us on the 16th of January. This is regarding the two and a half hours that I would have rather spent shovelling cow dung. This is regarding my ears that bled on hearing Mr.Kumar yell "Mere Akhrot!!" on being kicked in the nuts. This is regarding the eyes I gouged out on seeing Ranvir Shorey in that ridiculous wig. This is regarding the brain haemorrhage I had trying to follow the inane script. This is regarding the insult to Newton in the scene with the flying umbrella.

In this petition, I have but one request. Please spare us the misery and ignominy of having to sit through Chandi Chowk to Africa as hinted to us at the end of CC2C. And just to be sure, could you kill yourselves to ensure that the sequel is never made. 

Concerned citizens of Chandni Chowk, China & anywhere where intelligence may reside  


The Undersigned

And that was Blog No.2

A New Beginning

This is probably the oldest cliche in the book. The celebration of the earth completing a complete revolution around the sun as a monumental point in our lives. Nevertheless, a Happy New Year (albeit belated) to those who read my blog (probably numbering no more than 2).

Its been ages since I blogged. Don't know why but wasn't in a blogworthy mood all of last year. Maybe cause of a job and commute that sapped all my energy. Perhaps the farce of appearing for a string of MBA exams with no hope of clearing them drained me of any blogging urges. 

But in 2009 I shall subscribe to a whole new cliche - The New Year Resolution. No, I don't pledge to lose weight. Already did that last year :)! I don't promise to get a new hobby. Can barely keep the old ones alive! But I do promise this to myself; a blog every week. So thats 52 blogs in 2009.  And this was blog number 1.

This is the true storee,
Of a lad, not so wee,
Hell, he was twenty three,
On an afternoon, twas lazee,
Something wondrous did he see,
A channel called India Tee Vee,
A news channel it claimed to bee,
But not so easily fooled was hee,
Firstly he saw a man as bald as can bee,
Some called Rajat Sharma jee,
On a program called Adalat aap kee,
With an eclectic varietee,
Of what they called celebritee,
But you gotta be kidding mee,
What kinda celeb is Mr. Emraan Hashmee??
But you must forgive hee,
For he did not watch many a moviee,
But nevertheless, so hooked was hee,
From that afternoon on a Tuesdee,
That after a day not quite stress free,
All he could do is rub his hands with glee,
And get his daily dose of India Tee Vee,
One day he saw a particular Arjun jee,
Who called himself an ACPee,
And reported on the latest crime spree,
But it was hard to take him seriouslee,
Reporting on crimes most grislee,
With a cap and lathee,
He laughed most painfullee,
At this journalistic mockeree,
On national Tee Vee,
But then it was time too see,
The special report at 8 thirtee,
It was not a report on the crashing BSEee,
Or the Nuclear deal called 1-2-three,
But rather about a family in Delhee,
With a secret rather ghostlee,
The chota beta or was it bet-ee?
Who was possessed by an entitee,
And going by the video-photographee,
The spirit was not so friendlee,
But one thing it was surelee,
Was absolutely 100% funnee,
But was the best was yet to come, you see,
Coz special report was only the entree,
As the 9' o clock news was readee,
With a grave faced anchor ladee,
And breaking news exclusivelee
To be shown only on India Tee Vee,
And what be the breaking news ask thee?
No, not the latest from a certain Chidambram, P
Rather, the "touching" love storee,
Between tigers, not two, but three,
So dumbfounded was hee,
That he had to slap himself sillee,
Before he could believe this ludicrousee,
A tiger love triangle did he see??
Not in a movie but on a news channel called India Tee Vee??
But then the laughter set in, you see,
He laughed til it was way past three,
Then thanked God for this stupiditee,
For it was the only relief provided by He,
From his tedious life that kept him otherwise busee,
And from that day on does hee,
Pray daily for the long life of Mr. Rajat jee,
And his beloved India Tee Vee,

At this point, a confession I must give thee,
Coz I believe in total honestee,
The story above has been about mee,
Mee, mee, yes, mee!!
I must admit rather proudlee,
I am the biggest fan of India Tee Vee,
and its number one entertainee!
So death to those who hate dearest Mr. Rajat jee,
and call him a stupid old baldee!!

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