Rudimentary Ramblings

I must be the world's laziest blogger. Its almost been a year and the only thing I could come up with is story that I was asked to come up with in an hour and a half for my college's committee interview. This was the product of that drowsy early morning:

Here is a story to be told,
One that I cannot withhold,
Although not much I may be,
Am just a mess bhaina you see,
It was that time of the year,
When fresh ones walk in like lost deer,
With a strange look in their eyes,
After they bid Mom & Dad goodbyes,
They turn around and see,
Two years ahead at XIMBee,
I don’t know why they come here,
What this MBA is, is not so clear,
The mess is where I spend my day,
Working hard like animals that bray,
It is only when they come to eat,
The fresh ones do I get to meet,
Although they may not talk to me,
Their lives unfolding I can see,
This story is about one such fellow,
Who seemed to be rather mellow,
Alone he always came to feed,
Eating with not much greed,
After the passing of a few weeks,
Love blossoms & romance reeks,
The fresh ones pair up you see,
And the mess is full of a he and she,
But not so with our fellow,
Who seemed to be rather mellow,
Alone he still came to feed,
Eating with not much greed,
But a change in him I did spy,
A he and she had caught his eye,
A woeful glance he cast on the two,
Realizing it was too late now to woo,
Every meal it was the same story,
A forlorn look at his amoré,
But one day our poor fellow,
Who seemed to be rather mellow,
Walked up to the he and she,
And tried being as friendly as he could be,
But it didn’t go our fellow’s way,
He and she ignored him the next day,
Our fellow’s woe was clear to see,
But the mess is a lonely place as can be,
The lady had shattered his heart,
And the only one who knew handled a mess cart,
Then one day I saw him take out his phone,
And take a photo of the two on his own,
I think that was his way of being with she,
At least that was what was thought by me,
Then one day his phone he left behind,
But I picked it up, being of sound mind,
Just a mess bhaina I might be,
But curiosity got the better of me,
It may not be something that I own,
But I do know how to operate a phone,
I opened the pictures just to see,
How besotted he was with She,
But not a single image was of her,
Images of He were all that there were,
I realised where his heart now lay,
Our fellow was what they call “gay”,
I know I am not very smart,
I just handle a mess cart,
But such a shock it was to me,
To see a He in love with another he,
And that is why I say to thee,
This is a twisted love story.

The other day I was watching a documentary, Inside North Korea, about life inside that country. It was truly fascinating and disturbing. One aspect that truly shocked me was the cult of personality created around the founder of the country and the father of Kim Jong-Il, Kim Il-Sung. Here was a country that is a virtual prison for everyone of its citizens and where basic liberties ,which we in the free world take for granted, are virtually unheard of. But instead of lambasting the man responsible for their miseries and those of some 24 million of their compatriots, the citizens of North Korea revere and worship him. I was disturbed to see hundreds of clearly impoverished and malnourshed people praying and worshipping the man they "fondly" call the "Great Leader". So, a man who leads millions into famines and condemns millions of others to prison camps leaves behind a legacy of the "Great Leader"!!! Made me wonder what would my legacy be?

Of all the things that I am good at and that I have accomplished in my life, I think I could leave behind a legacy of the "Great Procrastinator". Now, I know it does not have the same ring as the "Great Leader" but I have not led anyone to a prison camp. Neither have I ever even dreamt of attacking my neighbour let alone a neighbouring country. What I will leave behind, is a things-to-do list longer than than Rajpath, and a bed which will have my ass print left on it forever from all that lying around I'm so expertly good at. The "Great Procrastinor". Yes, that sounds about right.

So, why is it that I procrastinate? What compels me to let things be? What makes me resist getting off my arse and actually doing something? Is it in in my genes. Well my mom just walked past rushing to get to the kitchen to do get some cooking done before she gives the dog a bath on her day off!! My dad is out getting the carpenter to fix the door before he leaves for a lunch meeting on a Sunday, while I lie here on my bed, in roughly the same position as I was in when I was sleeping a couple of hours ago. So no, its not in my genes. Is that I can't mulitask? Is that I find just breathing in and out tasking enough so as to not have the will do anything else. That can't be it. I flip channels on the remote while eating a bag of chips just fine. So what is it then? To be frank, I couldn't be bothered to delve anymore.

But is it just me? Am I really all that great at the procrastinating I'm bragging about. Sure I pay last month's phone bill by next month's bill's due date. And sure I have taken my dog for a morning walk after my rather stale lunch at 9pm. But am I truly great? The babu in the government office processes my file only after I've forgotten that I had given such a file in the first place. Some of my colleagues have been working on assignments meant to be finished yesterday only since today. And my admit card for CAT 2007 only came along with my results for CAT 2008 for which I had started studying in 2009. So I thinks its fair to conclude, that I am merely average.

I feel that this "quality" which is inherent in some and imbibed by others is the reason that the human race is so "backward". Don't get me wrong, we have progressed a lot but just imagine what could be if instead of a few, everyone got off their lazy arses and did what could be done later today. The news of Christ being born would have been Twittered. The iPod woul have been invented in 1001 and not 2001. WWI and WWII could have been Star Wars I and Star Wars II and George Lucas would be out of ideas for a movie. I would have to merely think to get this blog published instead of having to physically move my lazy fingers. Just think about what could be if everyone could be very unlike me. I could ramble on but I realised something, I have something to do... nothing.

Well, the big day is here. No, I'm not talking about the election results... well in a way I am ..... but rather my first political post. God knows I thought that would be improbable but here I am. Happy that the for the first time, the party that I voted, in my first ever election has returned to power. So congratulations Dr. Singh and Mrs. Gandhi. You have our faith for the next five years.

But more than a victory for the UPA, today is marked by the fact that common sense prevailed over senseless rhetoric and that results of the past are held higher than promises for the future. Everyone would have a reason for why he/she voted for the UPA. The poor farmers would probably have been grateful for the loan waivers. The rural poor would have been impressed by the NREGA. But for me personally it was the nuclear deal. It clearly showed that the UPA government had the foresight to work towards India's energy security rather than beef up our nuclear security deterrent and that it was willing to sacrifice itself for the country's future. And in India where an average politician would sell his soul to the devil to stay in power, a government willing to risk its survival just to see an international agreement go through is enough to warrant it sainthood.

The BJP must be banging its head on the wall trying to fathom the reason for their dismal performance. But is it really that hard to understand? Who wants a party which has a multiple prime minister theory, similar to Boka-naan's multiple captain theory. The KKR is ample proof that such theories don't work! Plus a campaign that only focusses on the negatives of the previous goverment rather than highlight a manifesto with a roadmap for the future is hardly a good way to garner votes. I used to be a BJP supporter. I used to admire Atal Behari Vajpayee and was massively dissappointed when the NDA lost in 2004. Today is a different story for the BJP. AB Vajpayee is gone and what he has left behind are a bunch of infighting, angry "young" (read old, very very old!) men who are not even sure of their Hindutva identity any more.

As for the Left, I must say I have a soft corner for Prakash Karat and his comrades. I don't agree with their idealogy and hated it when they threatened to topple to goverment over the nuclear deal. I think its really sad what they allowed to happen in Nandigram and Singur and perhaps thats why they are paying for their mistakes.

Well, those were my two bits on the topsy turvy results of the Lok Sabha Elections 09. So here's hoping Dr.Singh carries India further forward in the next five years than he did in the last five.

To:  The Director & Scriptwriter for Chandni Chowk to China

This is probably the oldest cliche in the book. The celebration of the earth completing a complete revolution around the sun as a monumental point in our lives. Nevertheless, a Happy New Year (albeit belated) to those who read my blog (probably numbering no more than 2).

Now, I run the risk of sounding like an old man with no hair on my scalp and no teeth in my mouth who reminisces about the good old days but seriously.... Remember the good old days when TV was something we all looked forward to at the end of the day? And not something to turn on because we have nothing else to do. And even not so long ago I remember MTV. A channel that lived upto its name. Music Television. Its all about the Music baby! From Shehnaz Treasurywallah's saccharine draped MTV Most Wanted to Nikhil Chinappa's spunky MTV Select, it was always about the Music.

Shehnaz is long gone, and I must say I don't miss her, but that’s not the point. Nikhil is still there but a 35 year old VJ trying to act 25 is just plain sad. But what I miss is the music. It has been replaced by what can only politely be called from the infertile and impotent imaginations of retards who could be outsmarted by apes.

Point in case, MTV Roadies. The flagship show for the channel. A show about the spirit of adventure out on the open road. What it is is a show about 20 somethings with cumulative IQ scores of 20 something bitching, back stabbing and playing "politics" to win the grand prize of 5 lakh and a bike. The so called adventurous tasks are so timid that my daily morning trip to the john is more death defying in comparison! But then Roadies is really an award winning master piece in comparison to what they got lined up after Roadies got over.

MTV Shitsvilla!.. No wait... Splitsvilla! Whats that you say? Who cares? It involves 20 babes in hot pants and spaghetti tops most of the time and 20 babes in beach wear for the rest! Basically, these 20 girds have to fight, bitch and backstab for another grand prize. This times its two "hunky" guys who they get to date at the end of the show. And you thought true love only existed in Mills & Boon! So how does 20 women foregoing self respect and everything that women's rights activists have fought for in the last century make for good television you say? I dunno... but it just does.

Another example, MTV On the Job. The other day I caught an episode where 3 girls had to compete to become air hostesses! Talk about career goals! These women were taught the fundamentals of air hostessing in a day which apparently involves how to apply make up and .... hmmm.... thats it! So naturally, they had a challenge where they had to apply their make up and get ready in 10 minutes and then proceed towards handling a mock flight. During the flight the girls snatched a mock passenger's cellphone, did the mock safety demo all wrong, forgot to give a mock pregnant lady adequate protection for her mock baby during a mock emergency landing and left behind a mock kid during a mock evacuation. Despite making a mockery of everything an airline does during a flight, one of the girls won! She was so overwhelmed by the mockery she made of herself on Mockery Television (MTV!) that she was crying and deluded herself into thinking that had this been a non- mock flight she would have been able to save non-mock lives! Absolutely brilliant, I must say!

And this was just a tip of the iceberg. MTV isn't music anymore. Hell it isn't even TV anymore. So who should I blame for the immense mental agony being meted out to us through MTV? I could blame that bald headed goon called Raghu who's aforementioned creations, quite frankly, terrify me more than Dr.Frankenstein's. Or maybe I should just do what all the elders do and point my fingers at today's youth who demand to be entertained in this fashion. But in truth I only have myself to blame. For only I am to blame when I actually sit and watch MTV. For only I am to blame when I watch these shows because of the guilty pleasure I get from watching people making a fool of themselves on national TV. For only I am to blame for wasting 735 words of blog space when I could have read some else's blogaristic magnum opus instead of publishing my own blogaridical drivel.

Let me tell you about a little disease I've been suffering from lately. Began end of Jan and has been raging ever since. The root cause may be the internet upgrade I bought last month. Or maybe I just got tired of watching Top Gear over and over again ( heaven knows I thought that would be impossible). Its well over a month now and this mania shows no signs of ceasing or at least slowing down. Now, you might expect me at this point to say I've been bitten by the cyber love bug or that I'm suffering from pornographitis or that Counter Strike's disease has hit me but I'm afraid I'm suffering from the more common movie mania. And thanks to a 256 kbps internet connection and the scourge of internet piracy, BitTorrent, this affliction of mine has always found the fuel to keep it going. In the last month I watched 60 movies!! Now, for true cinematic buffs 60 movies may not seem much but considering the fact that I work 5 days a week at a 9 to 5 job(at least on paper, the truth is a little different but shhh...!!) I would think its no mean feat.

IMDB is my new best friend. Popcorn is my grub. And uTorrent is my saviour. That is how life has become for me. My human friends are forgotten. The TV as an invention no longer exists. My Xbox lies wrapped in plastic and ignored like a middle child. And the world now exists only in anamorphic widescreen. I rush to get out of office and long to get home to my beloved PC and its plethora of DVD rips. A movie before dinner is a must to build up an appetite and a post meal cinema obviously aids digestion.

This plague has seeped into everything I say or do. I bore my friends talking about cinema verite or frustrate them when I try and explain the wonder of 2001: A space odyssey. Gaddaar must naturally follow when I see the name Johnny. Juno is the new Venus. Stanley Kubrick is the world's greatest mystery. People wonder why I Thank them For Smoking. Babies scare me out of sheer fear that they might be Rosemary's and my favourite dish is Bheja Fry served à la Hannibal Lecter.

Its been 30 days and I still can't stop. That is the wonder of cinema. Its art and its entertainment. It will amaze you, annoy you, shock you, captivate you, humour you, move you and sometimes make you wish it was you on that screen. Its surreal, unreal and real and I love it.

Yup... its that time of the year again. The day of days these days is around the corner. It's Feb 14th in a couple of days. The day many look forward to as it is a day they can spend coochy coing the one they love, or maybe get a nice swanky evening out and a expensive gift from the cutie they have been seeing, or maybe just get to lay the hottie whose conversation they've had to endure for all those days just to get her into bed. Then there are others who dread it because it just reminds them that they have no one to spend it with or may be all that excess red, mush and chocolates around every corner is enough to make them hurl. I, fortunately and/or unfortunately, belong to the second camp.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one those proponents that all relationships are destined to fail or that love is a waste of time. Neither am I part of the RSS or Shiv Sena who advocates that Valentine's day is a "western" evil. I , however, will agree.... it is an "evil". Its not religious, cultural or political.. it is just pure and simple commercial "evil" and it highlights the gullibility of people and the immense talents of those marketing guys sitting in the offices of every card maker, chocolate confectionery, florists, night club owner, music station, restaurant chain and.. well.. everybody else. I'm fairly sure that even makers of fertilizers, industrial strength steel and paint thinner somehow profit from the annual marketing phenomenon on Feb the 14th.

I remember when Valentine's day used to be an affair of just giving a simple card and may be a simple dinner out when I was in school. Now we have Microsoft urging girls to buy their boyfriends a Xbox. Canon urging lovers to gift each other SLR cameras. Five star hotels trying to convince you why spending half your monthly salary at their disc is the best way to spend the annual festival of love.

Is it really love when you have to convince your mate that you love them only if you give them something on Valentine's? Is it romance when your partner promises you sexual ecstasy only if you give the night out of their lives? Aren't there enough saturdays in a year to go out partying? Do you only have one day in the year to show someone you love them? What happened to the other 364 days in the year? What happened to giving gifts for no apparent reason? And if you are that desperate to get laid I'm sure in today's horny times hiring a call girl would be a more economical option. When will people realise that Feb 14th is no more the day to remember your loved ones. It is a well orchestrated and choreographed event managed by people in boardrooms and offices and the only love I can see is the love these businesses have for what's in your wallet.

An engineer may be defined as a person who is able to apply science without fully understanding its working. An engineer may also be defined as something every something most Indians in their plus twos aspire to be even though they are unaware of the definition which I gave in the first sentence. Due to this lack of knowledge of what an engineer truly is and a lack of knowledge of many parents regarding other professions, engineering colleges have mostly (d)evolved to a point where there is less emphasis on the "applying science" bit and more stress on the "without fully understanding" bit. However mind it, getting into a decent college is still unbelievably tough. It requires immense hardwork and/or immensely deep pockets. There is no other way around it. What to do once you are in is a whole other story.

You thought school is over so no more rote learning. Eager to use your brains and build something? Wrong. Its back to rote as the only way to survive your paper is to commit to memory those tattered notes which were handed to you by your seniors which they themselves got from theirs and so on. These barely legible but really valuable words are what fetch you marks as they always have and always will. Try deviating from the notes and and your professors will be having your marks for dinner.

Ah your professors! Glad to be out of school and away from those homework giving, constantly scolding and nitpicking teachers of yours and hope to find some priestly professors in this temple of higher learning? Wrong again!! Let's face it. In a booming country where engineers are in short supply who would give up high paying jobs in the corporate world to stick around in some college barely earning a 5 digit monthly figure. This is especially true if you happen to study computer science or IT. So those who have the misfortune of teaching are actually fortunate to have a job in the first place. These brainless, skill less and quite often personality less "teachers" will bore you in class, frustrate you when you have doubts and anger you when they don't give you marks. However, do take note, that on a rare occasion you will come across a gem of a teacher who will make you feel that this was the reason you came to college. Try and cherish those moments.

Projects! An integral part of your curricula. At least on paper. In reality, they are like a speed bump in the road of fun and vellapanti that is engineering. So find that smart geeky guy in class and make him your project partner. He/she may be dull as ditchwater but when it comes to doing projects you are dumber than a donkey. So maro some maska and have the smartie work and then have him explain his work to you so you can explain it to your professor and get a better grade than the hardworking idiot. Briliant!!

Ooh! Vellapanti and bakchodi. Far more important than engineering drawing or C++. The latter two may be ignored but the former must not. Class is not a place to listen but to pass notes, irritate the guy/gal in front or text message someone who is doing the exact same thing in some other engineering college halfway across the country. Sitting around at the canteen gazing at that hottie is what vella is being about. Who cares about trying to understand what that stupid professor tried to teach you when you get home at the end of the day? Its all about a bunch of guys drinking beer and just being guys somewhere far away from habitation at 12 am. What a way to end the day!

Assignments! Uff! If projects were speed bumps then assignments are like potholes. You never know when you may come across one. No worry. There will be one goodie touchie who says no to plagiarism and will finish it first. As the rest say a resounding "YES!!" to plagiarism all you have to do is copy from the guy who finished first or someone who copied from him. Yes folks.. this is what man used to do before the Xerox machine was invented.

Exams!! Projects are speed bumps, assignments are potholes and exams are the police checkpoints. Still they too like all hurldes can be crossed without too much issues. So relax, watch a couple of hundred movies, take your girlfriend out on long bike rides or party like crazy. Its only the day before the exam that you need to blow of the dust from those afore mentioned notes, cram through the night and go vomit it out on your paper the next day. Easy peasy!! However it is this last hurdle that many falter at. But when I think about it I understand why. Would you really like to leave behind this heaven sent four years of engineering just to join the rat race of the working world? Maybe those who flunked a couple of years did get a better deal and I was the idiot who ensured my stay in heaven lasted only four short years. DAMN!!!

In my opinion Murphy (whoever he was) was one of the wisest of men. His law regarding everything that can go wrong going wrong cannot be truer. I see it everyday in my life, the lives of those around me and the lives of everybody else. Here are some of my takes :

• The cable goes at precisely the climax of a great movie which you, surprisingly, haven't seen earlier. It shall return not a moment before the start of the ending credits.

• Corollary: The cable works fine when you are watching some really shitty movie and conks out only AFTER the credits start rolling.

• The phone is usually on low battery whenever a charger or power outlet is unavailable.
• The most anticipated movies are somehow released the weekend before some crucial work/academic deadline.
• Corollary: On those rare weekends you do happen to be free there will be no good movies to watch or tickets shall be unavailable.
• Your pet shall wake you from your slumber only when you are dreaming of the girl you've had a crush on for the longest of times (and unlike real life, in the dream you were about to get her too)
• The rare important messages that you get on the phone will only come when you are eating, driving, attending a call of nature, in an important meeting, sleeping or otherwise engaged.
  
• Corollary: The messages that you receive when you are relatively free are always spam or some useless forward.
  
• Your computer hard drive shall fail the day before you planned to back up all your important data.
• Corollary: Computer hard drives tend not to fail as long as they don't contain any important data.
• Your software will have a critical update available for it only a week after it has already crashed.
• The RJ never announces the name of a really nice song at its end if you happen to catch it on the radio whilst flipping through stations.
• The power company always cuts the power when you walk back home from work at night and its a moonless night. The power will return only after you reach home.
• The apparel/car/electronics company shall give heavy discounts only after you have already emptied your wallet buying their most desirable product.
• The stock market only goes down when you invest in it. (This isn't that true these days thanks to the economic boom and all)
• Your gadget will conk off only after the warranty expires.
• Your friends are always in town either when you aren't or you just don't have the time.
• Corollary: When you come to town your friends choose precisely that time to make that long delayed trip somewhere out of town.
• The day you plan to get drunk is a dry day or the liquor store doesn't have the liquor of your choice or you can't find a drinking buddy.
• Auto-drivers, rickshaw walas, taxi drivers are always around to pester you when you already have your own car.
• Corollary: Those unfortunate days when you don't have personal transport are the days when the aforementioned pests are nowhere in visual range.
• The day you finally have the time to read the newspaper at leisure is the day that the journalists have nothing to report about.
  
• The girl your really like is always dating the guy you really hate.
• Corollary: The girl who really likes you is usually the one you hate the most.
  
• The only people who do better than you in life are the ones who you hate the most or would like to make jealous the most.
• The only people who read this blog are the ones who don't appreciate it!!
  

I don't quite know how I found this page. One moment I was reading the review for "Superbad" and a few clicks later I'm reading about the sensitivity (or rather the lack of it) of the Delhi Police to the safety of young women from the North-East in our nation's capital. My habit of following links on the internet as led me to many interesting web pages. Just thought this one was exceptional enough to be blogged about.

Following is a poster by filmmaker K.P. Sasi, titled Rules for girls, circulated on an email discussion, gives a telling yet humorous take on the subject of being a woman in a world of sexual predators.

Everyone who owns a TV in this country and has heard the term F1 must have heard it, seen it or read about it. A certain bearded liquor tycoon has purchased a Formula 1 team and renamed it Force India. Yes, F1 fans all over the country are corking open bottles of bubbly (beer that is) and celebrating over the fact the one sixth of humanity has a home team to cheer for in the world's second most watched sport. But before some of us get all wasted cheering for team India in F1 and some others wasted for cheering with all those cheering for team India lets think about it for a second.

Those boys at Spyker who have found a new boss in Mr.Mallya aren't really what you call a championship winning team. They have never been consistent on the track nor off it. They were called Midland F1 in 2006 and Jordan before that. Hell, they haven't even been consistent in being owned!! The last time I heard of them win some points was at the US Grand Prix in 2005 where all the Michelin runners refused to race due to safety issues. That left just Ferrari and Jordan out to pick up some points. It wasn't really a race. More of an obligation to the organizers, spectators and television broadcasters.

Now what Mr. Beer Seller has done is plaster the name of a country of 1.1 billion on to two cars which would more often that not finish first at the wrong end. I can imagine the headlines now.
Force India finish last.. again. Force India..not a force to reckon with. Force India.... forced off the track. No other team has a country in its name. And with good reason. Formula 1 isn't like other sports. Italian teams managed by a Frenchmen hire German drivers to drive British designed cars to win races in America, Brazil, Japan and China among others to win the world championship (If you haven't guessed it yet I was talking about Ferrari and Michael Schumacher). Its truly a global sport where a team doesn't identify itself with a country. The only thing that matters is winning not winning for someone.

When you put India on the team you identify India with it. You identify the hopes and aspirations of a country which is just beginning to get the F1 bug with a team that is more used to failure than success. Imagine the millions who glue to the TV screen for the first time ever to cheer India and be greeted with failure. Lets face it. Force India will not be a force to reckon with in 2008. Nor in 2009. Corporate giants like Toyota who have spent five years in Formula 1 have yet to find their footing. Its highly unlikely that Force India will be a force to reckon with for quite a few years. Till then the shame of watching their "national"team lose all the time would have turned many not-die-hard-fans-of-the-sport away from F1. I never thought I would write this but I really do wish that Mr.Mallya had renamed his new acquisition team Force Pakistan! And as an icing on the cake he could hire a Pakistani dude named Musharraf to drive it too. Nothing unites Indians like watching Pakistan get kicked in the nuts!

I'm quite tired of living a life of a conformist. I'm bored with abiding the law. I get no thrills by sticking to the speed limit of 60 (or is it 50 I don't really know). There are so many people I'd like to shoot with a bullet shot straight into their heart but I can't. Section 302 of the Indian Penal Code stops me from doing that. I'd like to run through Parliament when its in session yelling abuses at the top of my lungs. I'm afraid I'd be shot dead long before I even got to the gate. I have fantasies about hurling Molotov cocktails into the studios of what we shamefully call "news channels". But I don't really like going to jail for it. I'd like to jump into one of those new Sukhois and take it for a joy ride. Unfortunately I don't even know where the Air Force keeps them. It's high time I stopped being a citizen of a country run by others and got myself a country run by me with others as citizens. I want my own personal banana republic!!

A Banana republic is a pejorative term for a small, often Latin American, Caribbean or African country that is politically unstable, dependent on limited agriculture, and ruled by a small, self-elected, wealthy and corrupt clique. Now, I don't want any small or wealthy clique. It should be just me and my subjects and of course my army. After all, what is a banana republic without an all powerful army. Now I don't want something very large. A small island in the Pacific would suffice for my Utopic banana republic. I'll be prudent and even call it Utopia. How cool is that??

Now what kind of nation shall be Utopia? A land of unlimited fun and freedom of course. Speed limits? Of course. It will be the largest number on the speedometer of your car. You hate your local politicians? Well that is just not possible because I would be the supreme power and you can't kill your only authority figure can you? Got a bone to pick with some one? There are no courts of judges in Utopia. You just fight it out Fight Club style. No more messy court cases and no more time wasted. And they call America the land of freedoms!! HUH!!

What about me? Well I would of course have no less than 50 mansions all sea side of course. My own personal gold plated Sukhoi for me to take out on a joyride. A yatch no smaller than the Titanic shall befit me. Of course, I can't have fewer cars than the Sultan of Brunei so I guess its 1001 of the worlds fastest and most exquisite automobiles for me. Ahh.. what a life!! My most prized possession would be a gold plated AK-47 which obviously only fires golden bullets. After all, it should be an honour getting shot by a demi-god such as me. I shall name every second street after me and declare my birthday a national holiday. The national food shall be banana splits of course (some pun intended).

Aah.. If only I could.....

PS:- Its late and its the two cans of beer that led me to the above four paragraphs of incoherent ramblings. Maybe next time I'll have something more sensible to rant about.

Lot of big movies came to our screens this year courtesy Hollywood. Sequels to Spiderman, Shrek, Pirates of the Carribean and Bourne Identity all hit a theater near us. Not to mention other highly anticipated titles such as the Simpsons movie, Ratatouille and Transformers too had cinegoers flogging to the movies in droves. Some movies were worth the hype while others were a sheer dissappointment. Whatever be the reception, the studios where laughing all the way to the bank. We were even treated to surprises like Disturbia and Knocked Up who made a mark as well. A lot of these summer surprises never hit our shores and never will. One of them is 1408. A horror flick based on a Stephen King novel.


More movies and TV shows have been based on the writings of Stephen King than any other author. And in my opinion, except the Shawshank Redemption and the Green Mile, they are all pure crap (including Kubrick's "masterpiece", the Shining). 1408 should be more of the same but somehow it isn't. It's surprisingly good and actually not the usual horror flick we are quite used to. Consider it more of a nightmare flick rather than a run-of-the-mill ghosts and ghouls kind of movie.

The plot, on the face of it, doesn't promise anything brilliant. A writer on the supernatural wants to stay in a hotel room where no one has ever spent a night alive. John Cusack, the writer, gets to stay in room 1408 (notice how 1+4+0+8=13 and the room is on the 13th floor as well because the hotel has labelled the 13th floor as the 14th) despite Samuel L. Jackson's , the manager, urging. This is where the movies takes a path less travelled. The room isn't filled with your average collection of disturbed ghouls or axe yielding zombies. It's something way more powerful than imaginable as it not only plays with your mind but plays with reality itself. So don't expect the reflection-in-the-mirror or shadows-over-your-shoulder kind of tricks that have been the trademark of the horror genre for years. The power of room 1408 is summed up in one line by Samuel L. Jackson in the movie, "It's an evil fucking room".

1408 has enjoyed reasonable success but I think the movie deserves way more credit and recognition that it has gotten so far. The performance by John Cusack is top notch and even Samuel L. Jackson shines in his incredibly short role as the manager. Go watch this movie for a refreshing take on the horror genre which has being going stale for a while and a rare movie based on Stephen King's horror which actually works.

Most of us don't give a shit about Miss Teen USA pageant. Actually I doubt how many of us even heard of it before. It's all changed now. If you still don't know what I am talking about check out this video of the finalist from South Carolina who was asked this question at the 2007 edition of the pageant.



Now, I know that MENSA doesn't go looking for new members at teen beauty pageants where the combined IQ of all 50 contestants would roughly equal that of an average 3 year old toddler but still! This makes even George Bush seem like Einstein in comparison ( I am sorry for writing such a thing Dr. Einstein and may your soul rest in peace). But I am being harsh. I understand your plight Miss South Carolina. You need that space in your skull to store your make up and hairspray and moisturizer and mirror. After all you aren't allowed to carry a purse to the pageant stage. And who really needs a brain anyways these days. We have computers to do all our thinking for us!

In case you (the reader) still missed out on what she said, here's her epic statement spelled out for you:

"I personally believe that, U.S. Americans are unable to do so, because some… people out there in our nation that don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should… our education over here in the U.S., should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.., for our children... ".

If anyone can come up with proof of a dumber statement ever made in public then, puuuhhhhlllleeeeeeeasssssseeeeeeeee, let me know.

After seeing this epic moment in blonde history I thought maybe ask this pallbearer of human intelligence some more thought provoking questions. Alas, I could not. Miss Lauren Caitlin Upton (that's her name folks) was no where to be found. Apparently she had gotten lost backstage at the pageant and could not find her way out of the auditorium. Looks like that she too, like most U.S. Americans, had no map to guide her out. Could the South Africans and Iraqis help her out please? Still, no issues. I can pretty much imagine how she would have replied to my questions so here goes:

ME: Why do you think that gun violence is so rampant in the US?

MISS DUMB ASS: I think that U.S. Americans like guns so much because they..err.. they like shooting stuff and hearing the noise of firing .. umm .. because kids of U.S. Americans like them like playing with guns when they were kids unlike the kids of U.S South Africans and U.S. Iraqis who don't have any toy guns when they were kids, and I believe that the U.S. should donate toy guns to those countries so children, umm, like grow up happy and, like, have a peaceful future.

ME [with my head spinning]: Err... interesting point of view. Do you think the war in Iraq is justified?

MISS DUMB ASS: In my opinion the war in Iraq is, like, soo totally justified. I think that its soo totally sad that U.S. Iraqis don't have, like, so many rights that we U.S. Americans have, like, .... ummmm... the right to eat at McDonalds whenever we want and, like, they don't even get to watch MTV. I totally believe that these things should be given to every one and even, like, the U.S. South Africans get to watch that and I believe that our soldiers are there to give them those rights like MTV and McDonalds and with that, like, children will grow up to a better future for themselves.

ME [now seeing double]: Err.. hmm... ummm... What do you think American can do to curb pollution and help protect the environment?

MISS DUMB ASS: I think pollution is a big problem facing U.S. Americans everywhere and even those who are, like, not U.S. Americans. I think we can all contribute to reduce pollution by, like, umm.... like..... err.... not eating a lot of gassy foods. Because then if we do then we will all be like farting a lot and that is something that is not like by U.S. Americans and even the U.S. South Africans and U.S Iraqis because then it will stink a lot and people will be blaming each other for the fart and innocent people will be dying in the Asian countries so we need it to be like part of the American education system so that our children have a peaceful and clean future for the tomorrow.

ME [now having developed a splitting headache]: Aaarrgghh... it was extremely painful..I mean a pleasure meeting you but I have to for my emergency CAT scan now. Goodbye and good luck building a better future for the children. Again, it was a great pleasure meeting a PhD such as yourself.

MISS DUMB ASS: PhD? But I haven't even finished kindergarten yet?

ME [now with a brain haemorrhage]: I'm sorry but you misunderstood. PhD stands for Pretty Huge Dumbass!!