.... a single syllable expression of my frustration and exasperations towards the world around me and all those dim witted idiots who inhabit it. So in the spirit of the recent concluded Oscars here are my nominees in various categories for things/people who frustrate and annoy me the most in my life. The winners shall be awarded the prestigious Aargghhhscar trophy.
Best Achievement in Frustration caused during Personal Computing
Nominees
Spammers - For sending me so much span related to "organ enlargement" that I have begun to have doubts regarding my adequacy.
Spyware websites - For infecting my PC with software that happens to open porn websites precisely and only when my parents/siblings happen to be using my PC/Laptop.
Virus creators - For creating viruses that happen to infect every bit of important data on my hard drive and leave the aforementioned porn website running software unharmed.
Antivirus Sofware (the whole ****ing lot of 'em) - For creating software that is so heavy and useless that at the end of the day your PC is only good for two things - getting infected and running useless virus scans.
The Winner Is....
Microsoft - For creating an Operating System so vulnerable and prone to attacks by hackers/viruses/spyware/software/hardware that it is akin to running towards a hungry lion naked and unarmed.
Best Achievement in Frustration in Mobile/Fixed Line Telephony
Nominees
Callertunes - For forcing you to listen to someone else's penchant for Himesh Reshamiya even if you are calling to tell them that you have just been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Incompetent Telecom Providers - For creating cellphone networks such that no matter where you go, the network just does not follow (Remember the Hutch punch line?) but somehow telemarketeers do. But more on that below.
Cellphone manufacturers - For making you splurge on their lattest bling offering only to realise that by the time you get home after buying it that its not the "in-thing" anymore and now costs half as much as well.
And the winners are... and by a mile....
The Telemarketeers - For calling you when you are in a meeting (and forgot to put the phone on silent), on a romantic date, attending a call of nature or having dinner with the Prime Minister just to sell you the most pointless and useless product or service.
Best Achievement by a Fellow Commuter in an Annoying Role
Nominees
The Instant Honker - For honking the moment the lights turn green even if he is right at the back of a mile long pile at a junction and having faith in the ability of the cars in front to just fly away on green.
The Constant Honker - For honking as often as breathing and perhaps just as instinctively and creating an atmosphere conducive for hearing loss.
The Biker - For squeezing a 2 feet wide vehicle through a 1 feet 11 inch gap and leaving scratches all along your car in the process.
The Trucker - For sitting so high up in his seat and unable to see the lesser commuters that he believes that if he can't see them then they must not be there and hence driving accordingly.
And the winner is....
The Lady Driver - For not actually being a lady but rather a man trying to impress his lady passenger by pretending to be Michael Schumacher in his puny Mrooti.
Best Achievement by a Fellow Commuter in a Frustrating Role
Nominees
The Insensitive Parker - For parking his car in front of yours while leaving it in gear with the handbrake on and returning to collect his vehicle only after you, having unsuccessfully tried all means to move the aforementioned car, already on the way to your destination using public transport.
Lane Blocker - For believing that turning right is more important than turning left and hence blocking the free left lurn at an intersection when the lights are red.
Biker on the footpath - For treating the pavement as his personal highway, leaving "mere" pedestrian no place to walk except perhaps on the roofs of cars.
And the Winner is...
The Blueline Driver - for not being frustrating but so downright scary on the road that you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, if you ever happen to dream of one on the road.
Best Achievement in the Media in an Annoying Role
Nominees
Useless News Channels - For bringing us exclusives of Rakhi Sawant blow drying her armpit hair and sewer rats fornicating as prime time news.
Inane Reality Shows - For making entertainment out of live feeds of wannabes sitting, standing, sleeping, talking, bitching, breathing, fighting, cooking,singing, jumping, eating, dancing and just about doing anything.
Excessive Sponsorship in the media - For showing more ads than films, serials, shows and matches combined and thus creating a generation where people may not know the national anthem but will McDonald's latest jingle.
And the winners are...
B-Grade Celebrities - For being famous for being infamous and proving every proponent of hardwork, honesty, decency, modesty blatantly wrong and creating an age where a Rahul Mahajan gets more airtime than a Rahul Gandhi.
Best Achievement in Frustration by Various Public Utility Companies
Nominees
Water Boards - For supplying water to our houses only on full moon nights and some other special occassions.
Sewer Company - For being the source of water for the aforementioned water boards.
Road Works - For digging up our existing roads to create new and better ones but never getting round to building them.
The Winner is...
The Power Company - For creating all the electricity and supplying it to Timbuctoo probably and perhaps the slums that steal some of it along the way but none to me.
Best Achievement in Frustration by Public Transport
Nominees
Railways - For getting you to your destination so late that the trip is made pointless.
Airlines - Same as above.
Shared Rickshaws/Cabs - For making you plant you 32 inch rear end into 3.2 inches of space and making a can of sardines seem like luxurious accomodation in comparison.
Buses - For not stopping at bus stops and making you run after them so long that you might as well run all the way to your destination.
And the winners are...
Budget Airlines - For being quite out of your budget after you are done paying for taxes, congestion charge, fuel surcharge, excess baggage etc and then charging you for "frills" such as food, water, air and even the air hostess's smile.
Best Achievement in Frustration by Other Means
Nominees
Queue Jumpers - For believing that queues are only for idiots and building my stamina for standing at one place for hours on end over the years.
Residents of the floors above you - For practicing Bharatnatyam or chucking dumbells on the floor only when you are sleeping and for treating your balcony as their personal landfill.
Residents of the house in front - For bumping into you only when you are returning home drunk and then telling all your neighbours what a sad and worthless alcoholic you are.
And the winner is....
Your Boss - For always being the initial inspiration for a blog such as this!!
And that was Blog No. 3.
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aShyCarnalKid said...
Wah . Wah . Wah aur ek aur Wah . Very very creative dude . I can actually picture you clenching your teeth and trying to pull your hair (if there is any left) . I think you did use to utter this word , if I remember correctly . Bravo . Kudos . And this was better than the actual Oscars . At least most of the awards went to the deserving candidates . :)
February 25, 2009 at 12:18 PM
Masood said...
Awesome post dude. Very creatively written. And it is so true. I second each award.
February 25, 2009 at 10:18 PM