Rudimentary Ramblings

In my opinion Murphy (whoever he was) was one of the wisest of men. His law regarding everything that can go wrong going wrong cannot be truer. I see it everyday in my life, the lives of those around me and the lives of everybody else. Here are some of my takes :

• The cable goes at precisely the climax of a great movie which you, surprisingly, haven't seen earlier. It shall return not a moment before the start of the ending credits.

• Corollary: The cable works fine when you are watching some really shitty movie and conks out only AFTER the credits start rolling.

• The phone is usually on low battery whenever a charger or power outlet is unavailable.
• The most anticipated movies are somehow released the weekend before some crucial work/academic deadline.
• Corollary: On those rare weekends you do happen to be free there will be no good movies to watch or tickets shall be unavailable.
• Your pet shall wake you from your slumber only when you are dreaming of the girl you've had a crush on for the longest of times (and unlike real life, in the dream you were about to get her too)
• The rare important messages that you get on the phone will only come when you are eating, driving, attending a call of nature, in an important meeting, sleeping or otherwise engaged.
  
• Corollary: The messages that you receive when you are relatively free are always spam or some useless forward.
  
• Your computer hard drive shall fail the day before you planned to back up all your important data.
• Corollary: Computer hard drives tend not to fail as long as they don't contain any important data.
• Your software will have a critical update available for it only a week after it has already crashed.
• The RJ never announces the name of a really nice song at its end if you happen to catch it on the radio whilst flipping through stations.
• The power company always cuts the power when you walk back home from work at night and its a moonless night. The power will return only after you reach home.
• The apparel/car/electronics company shall give heavy discounts only after you have already emptied your wallet buying their most desirable product.
• The stock market only goes down when you invest in it. (This isn't that true these days thanks to the economic boom and all)
• Your gadget will conk off only after the warranty expires.
• Your friends are always in town either when you aren't or you just don't have the time.
• Corollary: When you come to town your friends choose precisely that time to make that long delayed trip somewhere out of town.
• The day you plan to get drunk is a dry day or the liquor store doesn't have the liquor of your choice or you can't find a drinking buddy.
• Auto-drivers, rickshaw walas, taxi drivers are always around to pester you when you already have your own car.
• Corollary: Those unfortunate days when you don't have personal transport are the days when the aforementioned pests are nowhere in visual range.
• The day you finally have the time to read the newspaper at leisure is the day that the journalists have nothing to report about.
  
• The girl your really like is always dating the guy you really hate.
• Corollary: The girl who really likes you is usually the one you hate the most.
  
• The only people who do better than you in life are the ones who you hate the most or would like to make jealous the most.
• The only people who read this blog are the ones who don't appreciate it!!
  

I don't quite know how I found this page. One moment I was reading the review for "Superbad" and a few clicks later I'm reading about the sensitivity (or rather the lack of it) of the Delhi Police to the safety of young women from the North-East in our nation's capital. My habit of following links on the internet as led me to many interesting web pages. Just thought this one was exceptional enough to be blogged about.

Following is a poster by filmmaker K.P. Sasi, titled Rules for girls, circulated on an email discussion, gives a telling yet humorous take on the subject of being a woman in a world of sexual predators.

Everyone who owns a TV in this country and has heard the term F1 must have heard it, seen it or read about it. A certain bearded liquor tycoon has purchased a Formula 1 team and renamed it Force India. Yes, F1 fans all over the country are corking open bottles of bubbly (beer that is) and celebrating over the fact the one sixth of humanity has a home team to cheer for in the world's second most watched sport. But before some of us get all wasted cheering for team India in F1 and some others wasted for cheering with all those cheering for team India lets think about it for a second.

Those boys at Spyker who have found a new boss in Mr.Mallya aren't really what you call a championship winning team. They have never been consistent on the track nor off it. They were called Midland F1 in 2006 and Jordan before that. Hell, they haven't even been consistent in being owned!! The last time I heard of them win some points was at the US Grand Prix in 2005 where all the Michelin runners refused to race due to safety issues. That left just Ferrari and Jordan out to pick up some points. It wasn't really a race. More of an obligation to the organizers, spectators and television broadcasters.

Now what Mr. Beer Seller has done is plaster the name of a country of 1.1 billion on to two cars which would more often that not finish first at the wrong end. I can imagine the headlines now.
Force India finish last.. again. Force India..not a force to reckon with. Force India.... forced off the track. No other team has a country in its name. And with good reason. Formula 1 isn't like other sports. Italian teams managed by a Frenchmen hire German drivers to drive British designed cars to win races in America, Brazil, Japan and China among others to win the world championship (If you haven't guessed it yet I was talking about Ferrari and Michael Schumacher). Its truly a global sport where a team doesn't identify itself with a country. The only thing that matters is winning not winning for someone.

When you put India on the team you identify India with it. You identify the hopes and aspirations of a country which is just beginning to get the F1 bug with a team that is more used to failure than success. Imagine the millions who glue to the TV screen for the first time ever to cheer India and be greeted with failure. Lets face it. Force India will not be a force to reckon with in 2008. Nor in 2009. Corporate giants like Toyota who have spent five years in Formula 1 have yet to find their footing. Its highly unlikely that Force India will be a force to reckon with for quite a few years. Till then the shame of watching their "national"team lose all the time would have turned many not-die-hard-fans-of-the-sport away from F1. I never thought I would write this but I really do wish that Mr.Mallya had renamed his new acquisition team Force Pakistan! And as an icing on the cake he could hire a Pakistani dude named Musharraf to drive it too. Nothing unites Indians like watching Pakistan get kicked in the nuts!

I'm quite tired of living a life of a conformist. I'm bored with abiding the law. I get no thrills by sticking to the speed limit of 60 (or is it 50 I don't really know). There are so many people I'd like to shoot with a bullet shot straight into their heart but I can't. Section 302 of the Indian Penal Code stops me from doing that. I'd like to run through Parliament when its in session yelling abuses at the top of my lungs. I'm afraid I'd be shot dead long before I even got to the gate. I have fantasies about hurling Molotov cocktails into the studios of what we shamefully call "news channels". But I don't really like going to jail for it. I'd like to jump into one of those new Sukhois and take it for a joy ride. Unfortunately I don't even know where the Air Force keeps them. It's high time I stopped being a citizen of a country run by others and got myself a country run by me with others as citizens. I want my own personal banana republic!!

A Banana republic is a pejorative term for a small, often Latin American, Caribbean or African country that is politically unstable, dependent on limited agriculture, and ruled by a small, self-elected, wealthy and corrupt clique. Now, I don't want any small or wealthy clique. It should be just me and my subjects and of course my army. After all, what is a banana republic without an all powerful army. Now I don't want something very large. A small island in the Pacific would suffice for my Utopic banana republic. I'll be prudent and even call it Utopia. How cool is that??

Now what kind of nation shall be Utopia? A land of unlimited fun and freedom of course. Speed limits? Of course. It will be the largest number on the speedometer of your car. You hate your local politicians? Well that is just not possible because I would be the supreme power and you can't kill your only authority figure can you? Got a bone to pick with some one? There are no courts of judges in Utopia. You just fight it out Fight Club style. No more messy court cases and no more time wasted. And they call America the land of freedoms!! HUH!!

What about me? Well I would of course have no less than 50 mansions all sea side of course. My own personal gold plated Sukhoi for me to take out on a joyride. A yatch no smaller than the Titanic shall befit me. Of course, I can't have fewer cars than the Sultan of Brunei so I guess its 1001 of the worlds fastest and most exquisite automobiles for me. Ahh.. what a life!! My most prized possession would be a gold plated AK-47 which obviously only fires golden bullets. After all, it should be an honour getting shot by a demi-god such as me. I shall name every second street after me and declare my birthday a national holiday. The national food shall be banana splits of course (some pun intended).

Aah.. If only I could.....

PS:- Its late and its the two cans of beer that led me to the above four paragraphs of incoherent ramblings. Maybe next time I'll have something more sensible to rant about.

Lot of big movies came to our screens this year courtesy Hollywood. Sequels to Spiderman, Shrek, Pirates of the Carribean and Bourne Identity all hit a theater near us. Not to mention other highly anticipated titles such as the Simpsons movie, Ratatouille and Transformers too had cinegoers flogging to the movies in droves. Some movies were worth the hype while others were a sheer dissappointment. Whatever be the reception, the studios where laughing all the way to the bank. We were even treated to surprises like Disturbia and Knocked Up who made a mark as well. A lot of these summer surprises never hit our shores and never will. One of them is 1408. A horror flick based on a Stephen King novel.


More movies and TV shows have been based on the writings of Stephen King than any other author. And in my opinion, except the Shawshank Redemption and the Green Mile, they are all pure crap (including Kubrick's "masterpiece", the Shining). 1408 should be more of the same but somehow it isn't. It's surprisingly good and actually not the usual horror flick we are quite used to. Consider it more of a nightmare flick rather than a run-of-the-mill ghosts and ghouls kind of movie.

The plot, on the face of it, doesn't promise anything brilliant. A writer on the supernatural wants to stay in a hotel room where no one has ever spent a night alive. John Cusack, the writer, gets to stay in room 1408 (notice how 1+4+0+8=13 and the room is on the 13th floor as well because the hotel has labelled the 13th floor as the 14th) despite Samuel L. Jackson's , the manager, urging. This is where the movies takes a path less travelled. The room isn't filled with your average collection of disturbed ghouls or axe yielding zombies. It's something way more powerful than imaginable as it not only plays with your mind but plays with reality itself. So don't expect the reflection-in-the-mirror or shadows-over-your-shoulder kind of tricks that have been the trademark of the horror genre for years. The power of room 1408 is summed up in one line by Samuel L. Jackson in the movie, "It's an evil fucking room".

1408 has enjoyed reasonable success but I think the movie deserves way more credit and recognition that it has gotten so far. The performance by John Cusack is top notch and even Samuel L. Jackson shines in his incredibly short role as the manager. Go watch this movie for a refreshing take on the horror genre which has being going stale for a while and a rare movie based on Stephen King's horror which actually works.

Most of us don't give a shit about Miss Teen USA pageant. Actually I doubt how many of us even heard of it before. It's all changed now. If you still don't know what I am talking about check out this video of the finalist from South Carolina who was asked this question at the 2007 edition of the pageant.



Now, I know that MENSA doesn't go looking for new members at teen beauty pageants where the combined IQ of all 50 contestants would roughly equal that of an average 3 year old toddler but still! This makes even George Bush seem like Einstein in comparison ( I am sorry for writing such a thing Dr. Einstein and may your soul rest in peace). But I am being harsh. I understand your plight Miss South Carolina. You need that space in your skull to store your make up and hairspray and moisturizer and mirror. After all you aren't allowed to carry a purse to the pageant stage. And who really needs a brain anyways these days. We have computers to do all our thinking for us!

In case you (the reader) still missed out on what she said, here's her epic statement spelled out for you:

"I personally believe that, U.S. Americans are unable to do so, because some… people out there in our nation that don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should… our education over here in the U.S., should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.., for our children... ".

If anyone can come up with proof of a dumber statement ever made in public then, puuuhhhhlllleeeeeeeasssssseeeeeeeee, let me know.

After seeing this epic moment in blonde history I thought maybe ask this pallbearer of human intelligence some more thought provoking questions. Alas, I could not. Miss Lauren Caitlin Upton (that's her name folks) was no where to be found. Apparently she had gotten lost backstage at the pageant and could not find her way out of the auditorium. Looks like that she too, like most U.S. Americans, had no map to guide her out. Could the South Africans and Iraqis help her out please? Still, no issues. I can pretty much imagine how she would have replied to my questions so here goes:

ME: Why do you think that gun violence is so rampant in the US?

MISS DUMB ASS: I think that U.S. Americans like guns so much because they..err.. they like shooting stuff and hearing the noise of firing .. umm .. because kids of U.S. Americans like them like playing with guns when they were kids unlike the kids of U.S South Africans and U.S. Iraqis who don't have any toy guns when they were kids, and I believe that the U.S. should donate toy guns to those countries so children, umm, like grow up happy and, like, have a peaceful future.

ME [with my head spinning]: Err... interesting point of view. Do you think the war in Iraq is justified?

MISS DUMB ASS: In my opinion the war in Iraq is, like, soo totally justified. I think that its soo totally sad that U.S. Iraqis don't have, like, so many rights that we U.S. Americans have, like, .... ummmm... the right to eat at McDonalds whenever we want and, like, they don't even get to watch MTV. I totally believe that these things should be given to every one and even, like, the U.S. South Africans get to watch that and I believe that our soldiers are there to give them those rights like MTV and McDonalds and with that, like, children will grow up to a better future for themselves.

ME [now seeing double]: Err.. hmm... ummm... What do you think American can do to curb pollution and help protect the environment?

MISS DUMB ASS: I think pollution is a big problem facing U.S. Americans everywhere and even those who are, like, not U.S. Americans. I think we can all contribute to reduce pollution by, like, umm.... like..... err.... not eating a lot of gassy foods. Because then if we do then we will all be like farting a lot and that is something that is not like by U.S. Americans and even the U.S. South Africans and U.S Iraqis because then it will stink a lot and people will be blaming each other for the fart and innocent people will be dying in the Asian countries so we need it to be like part of the American education system so that our children have a peaceful and clean future for the tomorrow.

ME [now having developed a splitting headache]: Aaarrgghh... it was extremely painful..I mean a pleasure meeting you but I have to for my emergency CAT scan now. Goodbye and good luck building a better future for the children. Again, it was a great pleasure meeting a PhD such as yourself.

MISS DUMB ASS: PhD? But I haven't even finished kindergarten yet?

ME [now with a brain haemorrhage]: I'm sorry but you misunderstood. PhD stands for Pretty Huge Dumbass!!