Let me tell you about a little disease I've been suffering from lately. Began end of Jan and has been raging ever since. The root cause may be the internet upgrade I bought last month. Or maybe I just got tired of watching Top Gear over and over again ( heaven knows I thought that would be impossible). Its well over a month now and this mania shows no signs of ceasing or at least slowing down. Now, you might expect me at this point to say I've been bitten by the cyber love bug or that I'm suffering from pornographitis or that Counter Strike's disease has hit me but I'm afraid I'm suffering from the more common movie mania. And thanks to a 256 kbps internet connection and the scourge of internet piracy, BitTorrent, this affliction of mine has always found the fuel to keep it going. In the last month I watched 60 movies!! Now, for true cinematic buffs 60 movies may not seem much but considering the fact that I work 5 days a week at a 9 to 5 job(at least on paper, the truth is a little different but shhh...!!) I would think its no mean feat.
IMDB is my new best friend. Popcorn is my grub. And uTorrent is my saviour. That is how life has become for me. My human friends are forgotten. The TV as an invention no longer exists. My Xbox lies wrapped in plastic and ignored like a middle child. And the world now exists only in anamorphic widescreen. I rush to get out of office and long to get home to my beloved PC and its plethora of DVD rips. A movie before dinner is a must to build up an appetite and a post meal cinema obviously aids digestion.
This plague has seeped into everything I say or do. I bore my friends talking about cinema verite or frustrate them when I try and explain the wonder of 2001: A space odyssey. Gaddaar must naturally follow when I see the name Johnny. Juno is the new Venus. Stanley Kubrick is the world's greatest mystery. People wonder why I Thank them For Smoking. Babies scare me out of sheer fear that they might be Rosemary's and my favourite dish is Bheja Fry served à la Hannibal Lecter.
Its been 30 days and I still can't stop. That is the wonder of cinema. Its art and its entertainment. It will amaze you, annoy you, shock you, captivate you, humour you, move you and sometimes make you wish it was you on that screen. Its surreal, unreal and real and I love it.
Yup... its that time of the year again. The day of days these days is around the corner. It's Feb 14th in a couple of days. The day many look forward to as it is a day they can spend coochy coing the one they love, or maybe get a nice swanky evening out and a expensive gift from the cutie they have been seeing, or maybe just get to lay the hottie whose conversation they've had to endure for all those days just to get her into bed. Then there are others who dread it because it just reminds them that they have no one to spend it with or may be all that excess red, mush and chocolates around every corner is enough to make them hurl. I, fortunately and/or unfortunately, belong to the second camp.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not one those proponents that all relationships are destined to fail or that love is a waste of time. Neither am I part of the RSS or Shiv Sena who advocates that Valentine's day is a "western" evil. I , however, will agree.... it is an "evil". Its not religious, cultural or political.. it is just pure and simple commercial "evil" and it highlights the gullibility of people and the immense talents of those marketing guys sitting in the offices of every card maker, chocolate confectionery, florists, night club owner, music station, restaurant chain and.. well.. everybody else. I'm fairly sure that even makers of fertilizers, industrial strength steel and paint thinner somehow profit from the annual marketing phenomenon on Feb the 14th.
I remember when Valentine's day used to be an affair of just giving a simple card and may be a simple dinner out when I was in school. Now we have Microsoft urging girls to buy their boyfriends a Xbox. Canon urging lovers to gift each other SLR cameras. Five star hotels trying to convince you why spending half your monthly salary at their disc is the best way to spend the annual festival of love.
Is it really love when you have to convince your mate that you love them only if you give them something on Valentine's? Is it romance when your partner promises you sexual ecstasy only if you give the night out of their lives? Aren't there enough saturdays in a year to go out partying? Do you only have one day in the year to show someone you love them? What happened to the other 364 days in the year? What happened to giving gifts for no apparent reason? And if you are that desperate to get laid I'm sure in today's horny times hiring a call girl would be a more economical option. When will people realise that Feb 14th is no more the day to remember your loved ones. It is a well orchestrated and choreographed event managed by people in boardrooms and offices and the only love I can see is the love these businesses have for what's in your wallet.
An engineer may be defined as a person who is able to apply science without fully understanding its working. An engineer may also be defined as something every something most Indians in their plus twos aspire to be even though they are unaware of the definition which I gave in the first sentence. Due to this lack of knowledge of what an engineer truly is and a lack of knowledge of many parents regarding other professions, engineering colleges have mostly (d)evolved to a point where there is less emphasis on the "applying science" bit and more stress on the "without fully understanding" bit. However mind it, getting into a decent college is still unbelievably tough. It requires immense hardwork and/or immensely deep pockets. There is no other way around it. What to do once you are in is a whole other story.
You thought school is over so no more rote learning. Eager to use your brains and build something? Wrong. Its back to rote as the only way to survive your paper is to commit to memory those tattered notes which were handed to you by your seniors which they themselves got from theirs and so on. These barely legible but really valuable words are what fetch you marks as they always have and always will. Try deviating from the notes and and your professors will be having your marks for dinner.
Ah your professors! Glad to be out of school and away from those homework giving, constantly scolding and nitpicking teachers of yours and hope to find some priestly professors in this temple of higher learning? Wrong again!! Let's face it. In a booming country where engineers are in short supply who would give up high paying jobs in the corporate world to stick around in some college barely earning a 5 digit monthly figure. This is especially true if you happen to study computer science or IT. So those who have the misfortune of teaching are actually fortunate to have a job in the first place. These brainless, skill less and quite often personality less "teachers" will bore you in class, frustrate you when you have doubts and anger you when they don't give you marks. However, do take note, that on a rare occasion you will come across a gem of a teacher who will make you feel that this was the reason you came to college. Try and cherish those moments.
Projects! An integral part of your curricula. At least on paper. In reality, they are like a speed bump in the road of fun and vellapanti that is engineering. So find that smart geeky guy in class and make him your project partner. He/she may be dull as ditchwater but when it comes to doing projects you are dumber than a donkey. So maro some maska and have the smartie work and then have him explain his work to you so you can explain it to your professor and get a better grade than the hardworking idiot. Briliant!!
Ooh! Vellapanti and bakchodi. Far more important than engineering drawing or C++. The latter two may be ignored but the former must not. Class is not a place to listen but to pass notes, irritate the guy/gal in front or text message someone who is doing the exact same thing in some other engineering college halfway across the country. Sitting around at the canteen gazing at that hottie is what vella is being about. Who cares about trying to understand what that stupid professor tried to teach you when you get home at the end of the day? Its all about a bunch of guys drinking beer and just being guys somewhere far away from habitation at 12 am. What a way to end the day!
Assignments! Uff! If projects were speed bumps then assignments are like potholes. You never know when you may come across one. No worry. There will be one goodie touchie who says no to plagiarism and will finish it first. As the rest say a resounding "YES!!" to plagiarism all you have to do is copy from the guy who finished first or someone who copied from him. Yes folks.. this is what man used to do before the Xerox machine was invented.
Exams!! Projects are speed bumps, assignments are potholes and exams are the police checkpoints. Still they too like all hurldes can be crossed without too much issues. So relax, watch a couple of hundred movies, take your girlfriend out on long bike rides or party like crazy. Its only the day before the exam that you need to blow of the dust from those afore mentioned notes, cram through the night and go vomit it out on your paper the next day. Easy peasy!! However it is this last hurdle that many falter at. But when I think about it I understand why. Would you really like to leave behind this heaven sent four years of engineering just to join the rat race of the working world? Maybe those who flunked a couple of years did get a better deal and I was the idiot who ensured my stay in heaven lasted only four short years. DAMN!!!
WAR!!
Driving may be an activity in most other places or a chore in some crowded ones but out here it is WAR!! And since everything is fair in love and war, everything is fair on the roads. Your fellow commuter on the road is not a fellow, he is the enemy and like all enemies he needs to be defeated. Always be prepared and never lose an opportunity to take the advantage away from another commuter. Buses are tanks, especially the Bluelines, and get to close too to one and chances are you will be mowed down before you can say "Teri ma kaa...."! Pedestrians and cattle are like landmines as they will be scattered all over the road and you have to use all your skill to dodge them. Also remember, pedestrians are no more intelligent than the cattle out here. Only your car gets a smaller dent and you do go to jail if you hit 'em. The police are like air raids. They aren't there most of the time but when they are they come out of nowhere and bomb you with a speeding ticket. So watch out soldier!!
SWEET SYMPHONY....errr... CACOPHONY
Forget what they taught you in driving school or what was engraved into your head by you daddy when he taught you how to take the wheel. The most important component of the automobile is NOT the brake its the horn. Most obstacles that could threaten you (and your car) on the road are the ones which can move out of the way themselves. Confounded cows, problematic pedestrians and dimwitted dogs can all be scared out of the way by honking (most of the times). However do keep your foot over the brake, just in case. Also horns are an important weapon used in psychological warfare. If your enemy commuter is annoying you by his coming in your way you may simply honk him up the roadside tree by applying constant pressure to the centre portion of your steering wheel. Having a loud air horn does help. Also, honking the moment the lights turn green is customary, so please don't annoy the locals and do honk!
BE WILD MANNERED
Please, do us Delhiites a favour and leave the Pehle Aap load of crap in Lucknow. In Delhi, its my way or my way. The moment you let some guy pass you he'll bring the entire herd that was behind him along. So be a jerk and don't show him any decency even if he happens to be your own sweet old grandpa.
WOMEN CAN DRIVE??
What rubbish? Is it even legal for them to drive? These modern lipstick applying and hair brushing upstarts shouldn't be anywhere near the steering wheel. If one does commit the sacrilege of overtaking you ( a guy) then please, feel free to force her the road or run her into a ditch or at the very least overtake her to put her in her place. However if this upstart happens to be pleasing to the eye then you are more than welcome to leave your comments and suggestions by shouting it at her using the choicest of words. After all, chivalry pays no??
A LITTLE DEMOLITION HURT NO ONE
You know what really stands out on the city's roads? A car with no scratches. It stands out like a dude at a rave party who doesn't dope. So be a philanthropist and give that brand new car a scratch. You may chose to use you own (and obviously scratched) car as your tool if you happen to be driving at the time. If you are walking then, at the very least, use something to scratch your name into the paint of an unscathed vehicle. Sort of like an artist signing at the bottom of his/her painting.
True today our favourite drama is just a press of button on the TV remote away. All the information in the world is just a mouse click away. And all our closest friends are just a phone call away. We live in an apparent technological utopia where every thing we want is literally at the tips of our fingertips (pressing buttons, after all, requires fingertips no??). Take away all these amazing modern marvels from our lives and our world turns into a dystopia where we are more lost than Rakhi Sawant trying astronomical physics. Our gadgets are an extension of our lives without which some would even deem as a life not worth living.
As I sit here tearing my hair out because of 80 gigs of data I lost in my SHAMsung hard drive and banging my head on the walls because my Xbox finally showed me the red ring of death, I realise that it was my grandparents who had it easy. They never almost got a hemorrhage because they l0st 50 movies that the spent a year downloading because in the part of the world they grew up in, people hadn't even heard of movies. To them games meant gulli danda and hide-and-seek and not tapping away some buttons on a controller. They could probably find immense pleasure in just skimming pebbles on the surface of a pond whereas I can't even find any pleasure in watching television (an invention that fascinated them when they first saw it and still amazes them today). They probably walked miles to spend some time with their best friends and yet today I lose touch with mine even though I can talk to them anytime and anywhere on my cell.
Scientists say that part man and part machine creatures (a.k.a Cyborgs) will become a reality in the near future. I say that they are already here. Look around you. Try taking a cell phone from any of those shady businessmen and they will gouge eyes out before relenting. Ask a business executive to give up his Blackberry and he'll offer to sell his mother just to keep his precious
emailing device in his pocket. All those software techies, they would rather give up their penises to save their precious thinkpads. Try blocking orkut in college and you'll probably have a riot on your hands. Isn't this proof that the bionic human race is already here. The implants may not be biological yet but they certainly are psychological and emotional.
In my opinion Murphy (whoever he was) was one of the wisest of men. His law regarding everything that can go wrong going wrong cannot be truer. I see it everyday in my life, the lives of those around me and the lives of everybody else. Here are some of my takes :
- The cable goes at precisely the climax of a great movie which you, surprisingly, haven't seen earlier. It shall return not a moment before the start of the ending credits.
- Corollary: The cable works fine when you are watching some really shitty movie and conks out only AFTER the credits start rolling.
- The phone is usually on low battery whenever a charger or power outlet is unavailable.
- The most anticipated movies are somehow released the weekend before some crucial work/academic deadline.
- Corollary: On those rare weekends you do happen to be free there will be no good movies to watch or tickets shall be unavailable.
- Your pet shall wake you from your slumber only when you are dreaming of the girl you've had a crush on for the longest of times (and unlike real life, in the dream you were about to get her too)
- The rare important messages that you get on the phone will only come when you are eating, driving, attending a call of nature, in an important meeting, sleeping or otherwise engaged.
- Corollary: The messages that you receive when you are relatively free are always spam or some useless forward.
- Your computer hard drive shall fail the day before you planned to back up all your important data.
- Corollary: Computer hard drives tend not to fail as long as they don't contain any important data.
- Your software will have a critical update available for it only a week after it has already crashed.
- The RJ never announces the name of a really nice song at its end if you happen to catch it on the radio whilst flipping through stations.
- The power company always cuts the power when you walk back home from work at night and its a moonless night. The power will return only after you reach home.
- The apparel/car/electronics company shall give heavy discounts only after you have already emptied your wallet buying their most desirable product.
- The stock market only goes down when you invest in it. (This isn't that true these days thanks to the economic boom and all)
- Your gadget will conk off only after the warranty expires.
- Your friends are always in town either when you aren't or you just don't have the time.
- Corollary: When you come to town your friends choose precisely that time to make that long delayed trip somewhere out of town.
- The day you plan to get drunk is a dry day or the liquor store doesn't have the liquor of your choice or you can't find a drinking buddy.
- Auto-drivers, rickshaw walas, taxi drivers are always around to pester you when you already have your own car.
- Corollary: Those unfortunate days when you don't have personal transport are the days when the aforementioned pests are nowhere in visual range.
- The day you finally have the time to read the newspaper at leisure is the day that the journalists have nothing to report about.
- The girl your really like is always dating the guy you really hate.
- Corollary: The girl who really likes you is usually the one you hate the most.
- The only people who do better than you in life are the ones who you hate the most or would like to make jealous the most.
- The only people who read this blog are the ones who don't appreciate it!!
The bickering and squabbling over at the McLaren camp has again highlighted the biggest problem with McLaren. An F1 paddock may be big enough to fit two world class drivers and their cars but it will never accommodate their egos. A fact proven by McLaren when they hired Alain Prost and Ayrton Senna in 1988 and again when they got Raikkonen and Montoya together in 2005. As Michael Schumacher very correctly stated, there is only one number one driver. With this power struggle there is always one clear loser. Montoya left F1 to join NASCAR (I guess he didn't like taking corners too much). And now Alonso has left McLaren for an uncertain future.
2007 also exposed an ugly side of the Spaniard. The world saw him for the prick who he really is. A grown man who cried like a baby because he couldn't bear to have the spotlight taken away from him and put onto a mere rookie who was in his first year as a F1 racer. How dare you Lewis??? And give Fernando his candy back too!! And now it seems no one wants this spoilt child. After all would you? No one will except perhaps a Mr. Flavio Briatore. The man who made Schumacher. The person who gave Alonso his first break. The one running things over at Renault. So may be the sun hasn't quite set on old Alonso. Muy buena!!
However its been more than a year since Renault showed some spunk. They spent 2007 sputtering. Fighting it out more often with the Torro Rossos than the rosso red Ferraris. However, a year is millenium in F1. There is nothing to stop Renault from making a car as superior as the one they had last year. But somehow I feel they wouldn't be able to pull it off. My gut still tells me that Renault will be battling it out in the middle of the pack rather than waging a war at the front with the Ferraris and McLarens.
Of course it is definitely plausible that he may join some team other than Renault but which? Ferrari? Of course not.. they have a good thing going on. He may do better by joining the likes of Williams or BMW but are they good enough to get him the third championship he so badly desires. I doubt it. From where Alonso is he has only one way to go... down. Once you are down that road in F1 its hard finding a way back up.
